While Congressional janitor Wendell Milkerson was cleaning up the House Intelligence Committee room after today’s testimony, he found right on top of the garbage bin a packet of papers labeled “Hail Mary Defense Strategy For Donald Trump’s Crimes, property of Devin Nunes.”
On the bottom margin of the front page was a watermark reading “NO Adam Schiffs allowed.”
“I was originally just going to empty out the trash and forget about it,” explained Milkerson, “But the trash can was right next to the recycling can. The fact that Devin Nunes was literally inches from the recycling bin yet still decided to throw it away in the landfill garbage made me think to myself, ‘this guy has it coming.'”
So Mr. Milkerson folded up the packet and stashed it in the pocket of his bib overalls until he got home at night, photocopied the packet, and emailed it to The Halfway Post.
The following are excerpts from Nunes’ strategy notes:
- Accuse Democrats of colluding with Zelensky into blackmailing Trump into blackmailing Zelensky as entrapment.
- Suggest that Donald Trump was never on any of these extortion calls at all, and that it was just Crooked Hillary doing a Trump impersonation to frame the President.
- Figure out Marie Yovanovitch’s menstrual cycle, and see if her damning testimony matches up with any “PMS-related temporary insanity.”
- Sneak some cocaine into Jim Jordan’s coffee and see what happens.
- Steal all of the #NeverTrump witnesses’ reading glasses so they can’t read any evidence of the President’s crimes.
- Tell the committee that Donald Trump extorted Ukraine on Opposite Day so it only seemed like he was looking for a bribe, but he really meant “DON’T publicly claim Joe Biden’s son is being investigated.”
- Blame Eric for everything.
- Use my closing statement to claim that Adam Schiff tried to touch me in my bathing suit area during one of the five minute recesses.
- Try to bribe Intelligence Committee Democrats to not vote to impeach Trump.
- Accuse Nancy Pelosi of being a lizard shapeshifter who orchestrated all this mess with socialist black magic.
- Try to say something at the same time as Adam Schiff so I can say “jinx” at him and then not let anyone say his name three times so that he can’t talk anymore during these hearings.
- Buy smoke bombs, yell “look over there!” and disappear in the confusion to escape to Canada.