Bill Barr, Since Obtaining The Mueller Report, Hasn’t Left Office And Has Turned Into Gollum-Like Creature

Washington D.C.

Since obtaining the Mueller Report, Attorney General Bill Barr has reportedly not left his office for weeks, choosing instead to reclusively stay in his office with the lights turned off.

Several Department of Justice staffers, who requested anonymity to discuss the strange internal affairs of the DOJ, have told The Halfway Post that Barr has been heard late into the night making bizarre hissing sounds.

“I have seen Barr one time in the last two weeks, just a glimpse of him when he opened his door to receive the day’s mail, and it was terrifying, to be honest,” said one DOJ staffer. “His skin had turned ghostly pale, almost translucent, and he’s lost a lot of weight so that his suit doesn’t fit anymore. He’s torn his clothes to shreds, and only wears what appears to be his undershirt wrapped around his private parts like a loincloth. I don’t believe he bathes or changes his clothes at all anymore. In fact, I’m sure of it because he never leaves his office.”

Another staffer commented on the disturbing changes in Mr. Barr’s voice.

“He laughs maniacally at different parts of the day, and other times he can be heard crying and wailing,” said an assistant secretary. “It’s all very guttural, and he makes these weird throat sounds like he’s choking or hacking up a hairball or something. And occasionally, he makes this weird purring sound where he says ‘my precious’ over and over. I’m pretty sure he’s referring to the Mueller Report, but again, he never comes out, so I’m not 100% positive. I’ve never seen someone act like this.”

This report is still developing.

(Picture courtesy of _iBaNe_.)

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