Bill Barr, Since Obtaining The Mueller Report, Hasn’t Left Office And Has Turned Into Gollum-Like Creature

Washington D.C.

Since obtaining the completed Mueller Report, Attorney General Bill Barr has reportedly not left his office for weeks, choosing instead to reclusively stay in his office with the lights turned off.

Several Department of Justice staffers, who requested anonymity to discuss the increasingly strange internal affairs of the DOJ, have told The Halfway Post that Barr has been heard cackling in his office late into the night and making bizarre hissing sounds.

“I have seen Barr only a couple times in the last two weeks since he got the report, just glimpses of him when he opened his door to receive the day’s mail, and it was terrifying to be honest,” said one DOJ staffer. “His skin had turned ghostly pale, almost translucent, and he’s lost a lot of weight so that his suit doesn’t fit anymore. Yesterday I could see that he had torn his shirt and pants to shreds, and was only wearing what appeared to be his undershirt wrapped around his private parts like a loincloth. I don’t believe he bathes at all anymore. In fact, I’m sure of it because he hasn’t once left his office.”

Another staffer confirmed the disturbing changes in Mr. Barr’s behavior.

“He laughs maniacally at different parts of the day, and other times he can be heard crying and wailing. It’s all very guttural, and he makes these weird throat sounds like he’s choking or hacking up a hairball or something. Occasionally he’ll make these weird purring sounds, and one time I opened his door just a crack and saw him petting his printed copy of the Mueller Report muttering ‘my precious’ over and over. It looked like he had pulled most of his hair out of his head, and the stench of urine was unbearable so I quickly shut the door. I’m afraid of the cleaning bill taxpayers will have to pay when he finally leaves his office, if ever.”

This report is still developing.

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(Picture courtesy of _iBaNe_.)

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