Vice President Mike Pence has finally responded to several criticisms Democratic Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg has recently made regarding Mr. Pence’s seemingly unChristian ideological beliefs.
Mr. Buttigieg, who is devoutly Christian himself, had previously called into question whether conservative Evangelicals like Pence get to have a monopoly on Christian faith in American politics, saying that if Pence had a problem with homosexuality, “your quarrel is with your creator.”
“I’m not gay, you’re gay, Peter!” yelled a very irate Vice President Pence in a press conference this morning. “I’m so straight it would blow your mind if you could understand even one percent of my heterosexuality. You can’t even imagine how much into vaginal intercourse for the purpose of reproduction within the rigid confines of monogamous marriage I am! What could be more Christian than that? I save room for Jesus even when I go to the bathroom. I’m so the opposite of gay that I don’t even touch my own penis! When I go to the bathroom I let it balance on my underwear waistband so I don’t have to use my hands. I’ve never even seen my own butthole! Take that, Mayor Pete! Or should I say, Gayor Pete, because you’re the gay one! But don’t think I’m judging you! Only God judges, and I would never judge anyone myself! I just don’t want gays to get married, have legal rights together, or even be seen in public or art, and I’m doing everything in my political power to obstruct the happiness and social participation of LGBTQ people in modern life. If they would just help me by pretending they don’t exist at all, everything would be fine. See? That’s not judgement. It’s the furthest thing from judgement! Just like I’m the furthest thing from gay! No gayness at all here! I am a never-nude who never takes off his underwear. I’ve never even glimpsed my skin between my knees and belly button. Yep. Take that, Gayor Pete! They don’t call me Mike ‘Totally Straight’ Pence for nothing! Look, I’ll even watch straight porn right now, if that’s what it’s going to take to prove how straight I am! Right here on my phone! [The Vice President took out his phone.] Let’s see what you have for me, Pornhub! I know! I’m going to look up lesbian porn, because I’m so straight I just want to see two women having intercourse. No guys or knobs for me, thank you very much! Alright, here’s a good one. It’s called ‘Best Friends Experiment.’ Let’s see these two smoking hot babes go at it. Oh yeah, this is the straight guy’s dream, am I right? Let’s skip ahead to the good part. Oh yeah, they’re taking their clothes off. My straight private area is getting so turned on right now. Being straight is so awesome, just like these babes doing it are so awesome! Not a naked dude anywhere in sight. Just the way I like it! Oh, wow. There’s a lot going on here. Wait, what are they doing? What? Why?! How is that… What are they….”
The Vice President’s face turned green, and he vomited all over the podium he was speaking at. Mr. Pence then threw his phone out of his hands, and ran to the bathroom with his shirt and pants covered in his own throw-up.