President Donald Trump has responded to the repeated insistence of Congressional Democrats and a vast majority of American citizens to release his tax returns with a meandering monologue at a press conference this morning.
“Look, I really want to release my tax returns, more than anybody,” explained Mr. Trump. “Because no one is more committed to transparency than me. You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but I am actually the most transparent president in history. Except maybe Lincoln. Lincoln was a very great guy, especially at that time. You know, a lot of the things they said about Lincoln are things they say about me. He was just doing so many things so many people had never thought possible, especially ten, fifteen years before Lincoln. A lot of people said what he was trying to do was impossible, they laughed at him. They said, ‘wow, that guy Lincoln, why would anyone try to do what he’s trying to do.’ And, well, we all know what happened next. Great guy, Lincoln. Maybe the best. A lot of people have called me the next Lincoln, you know? The Fake News will never report this, but it’s true. I hear it all the time. There’s a lot of similarities. A few differences, too, but a lot of similarities. You know my dad was born in Illinois? Who knows, maybe I’ll be the next Lincoln in history. Sean Hannity thinks I’m even better than Lincoln. And Jeanine Pirro. She was just treated so badly by the media. So bad. I told her I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s just the worst. And Fox & Friends. I call them ‘Trump’s Friends’ because they’re always so nice to me. Especially Brian Kilmeade. You can tell he’s so smart because he agrees with almost everything I say and do. No pushback from that guy, because really smart people get what I’m trying to do. Great guy. But anyway, that’s why I can’t release my tax returns. It’s what the Fake News would want, and if I released my tax returns, they’d go after Trump so bad and so unfairly. They’re the most rotten people on the planet, you know that? But I’m all for transparency, and openness, and integrity. That’s why I think my tax returns should be transparently locked up and hid forever. Maybe even burned. That would be the most honest thing to do. Because my tax returns are being audited, you know? I can’t let the government investigate my tax returns when the IRS is already investigating them. That would be the last thing Abraham Lincoln would’ve wanted. Or Washington. You know what, actually I think I’m more of a Washington than a Lincoln, now that I think of it. Washington never told a lie, like me. Such an honest guy. Maybe the best. So I’m definitely a Washington. He’d never let the Fake News look at his tax returns. Thanks everyone.”
Mr. Trump then walked back inside the White House leaving a puzzled press corps behind.