President Donald Trump today responded to calls from Congressional Democrats and a vast majority of American citizens to release his tax returns with a meandering monologue at a press conference this morning in the White House briefing room.
“Look, I really want to release my tax returns, more than anybody,” explained Mr. Trump. “Because no one is more committed to transparency than me. You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but I am actually the most transparent president in history. Except maybe Lincoln. Lincoln was a very great guy, especially at that time. He was just doing so many things so many people had never thought possible, especially ten, fifteen years before him. A lot of people said what he was trying to do was impossible, they laughed at him. They said, ‘wow, that guy Lincoln, why would anyone try to do what he’s trying to do.’ And, well, we all know what happened next. Great guy, Lincoln. Maybe the best. Tremendous accomplishments. A lot of people have called me the next Lincoln. When I went to England this summer it’s all they were talking about. The Queen was so great. Really one of the best queens, maybe of all time. She had the best chocolate ice cream I have ever tasted. It was so good, I couldn’t even concentrate on the Brexit meetings I had to go to. I wonder if Lincoln got two scoops for dinner from the British queen in his day. Sean Hannity thinks I’m even better than Lincoln. And Fox & Friends. I call them ‘Trump’s Friends’ because they’re always so nice to me. Especially Brian Kilmeade. You can tell he’s so smart because he agrees with almost everything I say and do. No pushback from that guy, because really smart people get what I’m trying to do. Tremendous host. But anyway, that’s why I can’t release my tax returns. It’s what the Fake News would want, and if I released my tax returns, they’d go after Trump so bad and so unfairly. They’re the most rotten people on the planet, you know that? But I’m all for transparency, and openness, and integrity. That’s why I think my tax returns should be locked up in a security clearance safe and hid forever. Maybe even destroyed. That would be the most honest thing to do. Because my tax returns are being audited, you know? I can’t let the Congress investigate my tax returns when the IRS is already investigating them. That would be the last thing Abraham Lincoln would’ve wanted. Or Washington. You know what, actually I think I’m more of a Washington than a Lincoln. Washington never told a lie, like me. Tremendous president, maybe one of our best. So I’m definitely a Washington. He’d never let the Fake News look at his tax returns. And he even got to have slaves.”
Mr. Trump then walked back inside the White House leaving a puzzled press corps behind.