Jeff Sessions and Roy Moore Are Competing For The Alabama KKK’s Endorsement

Birmingham, AL

In Alabama GOP politics, the Ku Klux Klan is a big influence in state-wide elections, and this upcoming senate election against Democratic incumbent Doug Jones has seen Republican candidates Jeff Sessions and Roy Moore try to elbow each other out of the way for the KKK’s valuable endorsement.

However, tensions between the two senatorial campaigns are rising as Sessions and Moore get more desperate to win over Alabama’s card-carrying racists.

It began when Mr. Sessions reportedly sent a gift basket filled with white chocolate candies to the Alabama KKK headquarters to win their favor, and Mr. Moore followed up with a box delivery of 1000-thread-count sheets for the KKK members to make themselves new hoods.

“I thought the gestures were really nice,” explained the Birmingham KKK’s Grand Dragon Ralph Thomas, 48, “But we haven’t made up our minds as of yet. Our nominating convention isn’t until March, so we want to learn as much as we can about Alabama’s Senate candidates before we make any definitive decision.”

Despite the KKK’s patience, Moore and Sessions’ campaigns have ramped up their efforts to woo Thomas and his top Klan officers.

“Jeff Sessions really upped the ante when he wrote me a personalized letter promising that, if elected, he would write a bunch of new Congressional bills with creative Justice Department ways to imprison more young blacks, and I thought that was a very exciting prospect. But then Roy Moore made me another offer promising he’d write a Constitutional amendment banning interracial marriage, and he also told me he’d go with me to the Birmingham outlet mall and help me find a girlfriend. That offer specifically is very enticing because it’s hard to keep a girlfriend when I spend several nights a week out in the woods fulfilling my Grand Dragon duties. Women my age just have a bad impression of the KKK that I earnestly believe we don’t deserve. I think a younger girl might not have lived long enough to have formed the same biased preconceptions, you know? All I’m saying is, Jeff, the ball is in your court now.”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)