Alabama Senate candidate opponents Jeff Sessions and Roy Moore have been competing for an early edge in the coming Alabama Republican primary to face off against Democrat Doug Jones, but the tension of the looming primary is getting to them.
Both Sessions and Moore were invited last night to a Klan gathering, a cross burning in a private farm property outside the boundary of the city of Montgomery, by Alec LaFollette, the local chapter’s Grand Wizard. Mr. LaFollette hoped for his group’s members to meet the candidates and begin to decide which candidate they would vote to endorse in the Alabama Klan’s nominating convention in March.
According to reports, the festivities began calmly, but matters heated up when Mr. Moore cooked a s’more marshmallow, caught it on fire, and then smacked Mr. Sessions in the butt with it, which lit Sessions’ robes on fire.
“It was crazy!” exclaimed Klansman Bill Boddins, 41, “Ol’ Jeffy lit up like the Devil Himself exploded him. He did the stop, drop and roll, of course, but it wasn’t very effective, and no one had thought to bring any water to this cross burning, so we did what we had to do, if you catch my drift…. we all gathered round and pissed the fire out. It smelt horrible. You never get used to the smell of sizzling ammonia. No matter how many times you smell it. We really gotta start bringing water to these cross burnings. Our robes are giant fire hazards, and we usually get wasted at these shindigs. I reckon we have at least a dozen fire-pee incidents in a safe year. But, oh boy, Ol’ Jeffy was just furious. He got up and challenged Roy to a duel.”
From there the altercation escalated.
“I saw the whole thing,” explained Hank Burhead, 33, “Roy picked using the weapon of pistols at first, but we had to explain that we don’t allow guns at our outdoor cross burnings because we kept having accidents where we’d mistake fellow Klansmen for black people infiltrating our group and then we’d shoot them. Everybody looks black at night in the forest! So then Roy chose the weapon of his fists, and took a swing at Ol’ Jeffy, but Jeffy grabbed a box of marshmallows and started hitting Roy in the face. That’s when Roy picked up a burning piece of the cross that had fallen, and started swinging it, but, thankfully, the Grand Wizard at that point intervened and said that neither of them would get the Klan’s endorsement unless they stopped making fools of themselves and ruining a perfectly nice cross burning. The Grand Wizard made each of them say something nice about the other, so Ol’ Jeffy told Roy that he thought Roy had gotten real good with his racist dog whistle slogans, and that you could barely tell he was racist anymore. He asked Roy if he could use some of them in his campaign speeches. Then Roy told Jeffy that his genetics were obviously very pure white because Jeffy’s thirteen-year-old granddaughter was an Aryan babe. He then said that if Jeffy would just go to the county mall and discretely take photos of the teen girls there for him, he’d let Jeffy use his racist dog whistles all he wanted. They shook hands, agreed on the day Sessions would have the photos by, and finally the party got back to normal. The Grand Wizard got out his effigies of Nancy Pelosi and Meryl Streep and we pissed on those too!”