Lindsey Graham Promises Trump Is Not Holding Sex-Related Blackmail Over His Head

Washington D.C.

In a seemingly unmotivated Twitter rant this morning, Senator Lindsey Graham promised his constituents and Twitter followers that he was not being blackmailed by President Donald Trump.

Graham has inspired many kompromat conspiracy theories due to his out-of-character support for the President’s blatantly un-American policies.

“It’s a ridiculous claim to think I’m being blackmailed,” tweeted Mr. Graham at 6:04am. “I have nothing to hide. It’s just that I realized I was wrong when I previously claimed on Fox News that the President was a ‘bumbling dumbfuck’ who would ‘certainly destroy America.'”

The tweet thread continued:

“Donald Trump is making America win. He doesn’t have to blackmail me or threaten me in any way. He won me over to his side with rationality, great logic, and his calm, genius leadership. And besides, there’s nothing to blackmail me with! There aren’t any skeletons in my closet. There’s no reason to even look!”

“I’m a straight, unmarried senator from one of the most conservative, homophobic states in the country! There’s nothing suspicious about that! And it’s not a big deal that I changed my mind about Trump after Russia hacked the DNC and RNC’s emails, released the Democrats’ emails, and suspiciously did nothing in public with all the GOP’s emails! And people change their minds all the time. New facts came to light about Trump’s leadership style!”

“I promise nothing sexual-related happened in my past that was recorded somehow, and is now being emailed to me every morning with directions on how I should vote in the Senate alongside talking points I should say on TV about impeachment. That would be crazy!”

Lindsey Graham has made no public statements regarding his morning tweets.

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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