Despite “Honoring History,” Southern States Don’t Want Statues Of General Sherman

Atlanta, GA—

Former Confederate states throughout the South have had a few controversial years of statues commemorating generals of the Confederacy being removed from public parks and the lawns of government buildings, but supporters of the statues stress they merely want to preserve the statues for the lessons on history they provide.

“These statues have nothing to do with celebrating slavery, racism, or treason,” explained Atlanta city council member Ralph Bacon. “Sure, those values are what these great historical men may have lived and died for, but we white Southerners revere these men for totally different reasons. We love how they told coastal liberal elites to ‘go fuck themselves.’ It’s just coincidence that that ethos meant they didn’t want Northerners to touch their slave property. But this is totally all about history! We Southerners just love the history of the Civil War, that’s all. Just except Northern history! I’ll be dead before I ever let a Sherman statue, or a Grant statue, or a Lincoln statue ever get put up. No one who ended slavery gets to be commemorated. Only Confederate history! But, again, no racism here whatsoever!”

Other proponents of keeping the Confederate statues thought Democrats would have been more proud of the statues themselves.

“These Confederates were all Democrats back in the day,” explained Ashley Isinghouse, a resident of a nearby suburb. “So why are Democrats today so upset about the statues? It’s actually their heritage we are protecting! They were the racist ones back then, not us! So it doesn’t matter if Republicans today take away blacks’ right to vote with various ‘voter protection’ laws, or we have stop-and-frisk to harass the blacks, or we ramp up incarceration laws to have as many of them in prison as possible, or we make sure public schools are always funded according to property taxes so we can enforce segregation without officially calling it ‘segregation’… Democrats are still the racist party forever into the future for eternity!”

The Halfway Post reached out to a local college history professor, Thomas Jenkins, for his opinion on whose heritage was whose.

“It’s ironic that Republicans want to keep all the statues,” Jenkins said. “It really goes to show that contemporary Democrats were not the party of slavery, and it goes to show that the parties have flipped ideologies since the Civil War. It’s not so much one party that has forced racism upon America, it’s that racists centralized in the Southern US have forced racism upon America, and both parties have at different times catered to that hatred for political gain. The Republican Party was founded as an anti-slavery party in the 1850s, but at the time Republicans were made up of Northern liberals and, what we might call in today’s terms, educated, cosmopolitan elites. The Democrats of the 1850s were largely rural and very conservative. The parties really started shifting when Teddy Roosevelt’s economic populism clashed with President Taft’s relative conservatism, and the GOP ultimately started pursuing a more laissez-faire approach to governance that allowed big government ideals to take hold in the Democratic Party through the presidencies of FDR, Truman, Kennedy and Johnson. This took on a racial perspective when Truman integrated the military, and then Kennedy and Johnson forced civil rights upon the South, which, of course, the South has been butt-hurt about ever since.”

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(Picture courtesy of Eden, Janine, and Jim.)

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