Donald Trump Astounded To Learn Most Americans Actually Pay Their Taxes

Washington D.C.—

White House insiders have reported to The Halfway Post that President Donald Trump was shocked when he learned that the US budget is paid for by millions of American citizens who actually pay their taxes.

Several executive presidential aides, who requested anonymity to provide a secretly recorded tape of the President talking to top Treasury officials, confirmed the following transcript of Mr. Trump’s discussion:

“So the $4.45 trillion our government spends each year comes from regular citizens?” Trump asked. “Do they not know any loopholes? I never pay taxes if I don’t absolutely have to! Why do most Americans do everything by the tax code book? If Putin buys a property from me and pays three times the market price, I’m not going to eat into my profits by paying taxes. I do it all off the books. The IRS has no business in my dealings with Russian oligarchs. Why do so many Americans do what the IRS says? Do they not have dozens of lawyers to issue decades’ worth of lawsuits and appeals? I thought Americans were way better at business than they apparently are. Do regular people not know that they can accumulate a lot of personal debt, sell the ownership of their various failing properties and businesses to a new business they create earning a personal profit on the sale, and then let the new company with all the toxic assets go bankrupt so they don’t have to personally be held accountable for their terrible business decisions? I’ve done that several times! And used the business losses to avoid even more taxes in the future! I thought everyone knew how to do this! And the best part is, if you get into enough debt, your creditors will bail you out because they don’t want to lose all their money completely. The banks who bailed me out even gave me a giant monthly stipend to spend so I’d continue to be able to pretend to be rich. No one wants to go to a broke person’s golf course or casino, so the banks knew I had to still appear like I was a successful, rich business man if they were going to be able to make any profits at all from the properties I ran into the ground. Maybe I ought to teach a class on this or something. Like Trump University, but for real this time! And it definitely seems like most Americans don’t start charitable foundations to accumulate a lot of other people’s money by pressuring them to donate, and then use that money for personal expenditures. I did that for years, but I slipped up a little bit and now New York won’t let me be on the board of any charity for, probably, the rest of my life. But that’s pretty much just a weak slap on the wrist after how much of my own money I was able to save. I advise people to make a charity involving children’s cancer. From personal experience, I’ve found that people give a lot more when it’s kids with cancer, which means you get a lot more donations to spend on yourself. I once used my charity to pay for Don Jr.’s $7 boy scout membership fee. Way more Americans should try out being cheap!”

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