Alan Dershowitz Claims Jeffrey Epstein’s Parties Were Way Too Awesome To Investigate Further

New York City, NY—

Alleged sexual assault villain Alan Dershowitz, who also, relatedly, is a current impeachment lawyer for alleged serial rapist Donald Trump, claims that the ongoing investigations into Jeffrey Epstein’s alleged sex parties potentially implicating dozens of high-profile, elite public figures should be dropped because of how “awesome they were.”

“Those parties were epic,” Dershowitz told Alex Schmurf in a CNN interview that aired yesterday. “I didn’t get to actually go to any, but I always heard so many wild stories. Every time I was about to go to one, Jeffrey Epstein called me and told me he was sick, or his power had gone out, or something random like that. Then I’d hear a couple days later that the party had actually happened, so I guess the power had come back on, or Jeffrey started feeling better and forgot to call me. One time I still knocked on his door, and when Jeffrey answered there was totally a party going on, but he told me it was a family party, and that it was for one of his cousin’s birthdays. Then I saw Donald Trump and Bill Clinton through the doorway, but Jeffrey told me his cousin knew both Donald and Bill separately. Donald offered me a tic-tac, and Bill gave me a high-five and said that the girls were particularly hot that night, but Donald said they were too old for his tastes. Jeffrey then said the girls were just his nieces, but after he closed the door on me I looked in the windows and saw Jeffrey making out with one of them. I guess the Epstein family must be really close with each other. But, wow, the stories I heard were insane. So many awesome people doing crazy things. So the FBI, State of New York, and all these frivolous, jealous lawsuits ought to just forget about all this Epstein stuff because they’re being so uncool. Way less cool than me, who almost went to one of the Epstein parties.”

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(Picture courtesy of CNN from a screenshot from this video.)