Trump’s Afghan Deal Gives The Taliban A 15% Discount At All Trump Properties

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump unveiled his latest peace deal with the Afghan Taliban, and the following details of the agreement have been criticized by Congressional Democrats and panned by media pundits:

  • All Taliban members get a 15% “Friends of Trump” discount at Trump-owned properties.
  • The Taliban government will own a 33.3% stake in a proposed Trump Tower Kabul.
  • The Taliban is committed to buying 500 copies of Donald Trump Jr.’s book Triggered, and 750 copies of The Art of the Deal.
  • The Taliban will give Ivanka Trump exclusive trademarks on Ivanka-branded burkas.
  • The Taliban will receive three years of complimentary pro bono legal assistance in rehabilitating their international image at the United Nations courtesy of Jay Sekulow and Alan Dershowitz.
  • Donald Trump Jr. will host a Trump campaign rally in Jalalabad, Afghanistan, and give all “Make America Great Again” themed merchandise profits to the Taliban military for its Build-More-Missiles initiative.
  • Donald Trump will give the Taliban five Dismember-A-Journalist-Free certificates.
  • Donald Trump will move the American embassy in Afghanistan to the city of the Taliban’s choice.
  • The Taliban will give Russia exclusive rights to newly discovered oil wells in northern Afghanistan through 2025, for which Russia will give Donald Trump a 20% finder’s fee on all profits.
  • Donald Trump will say nothing about the Taliban’s human rights violations for the remainder of his time in office a la his silence on China and India’s human rights violations.
  • The Taliban will release an official declaration that says Donald Trump’s hands are bigger than any other foreign leader in history who has ever meddled in Afghanistan.

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