President Donald Trump unveiled his latest peace deal with the Afghan Taliban, and the following details of the agreement have been criticized by Congressional Democrats and panned by media pundits:
- All Taliban members get a 15% “Friends of Trump” discount at Trump-owned properties.
- The Taliban government will own a 33.3% stake in a proposed Trump Tower Kabul.
- The Taliban is committed to buying 500 copies of Donald Trump Jr.’s book Triggered, and 750 copies of The Art of the Deal.
- The Taliban will give Ivanka Trump exclusive trademarks on Ivanka-branded burkas.
- The Taliban will receive three years of complimentary pro bono legal assistance in rehabilitating their international image at the United Nations courtesy of Jay Sekulow and Alan Dershowitz.
- Donald Trump Jr. will host a Trump campaign rally in Jalalabad, Afghanistan, and give all “Make America Great Again” themed merchandise profits to the Taliban military for its Build-More-Missiles initiative.
- Donald Trump will give the Taliban five Dismember-A-Journalist-Free certificates.
- Donald Trump will move the American embassy in Afghanistan to the city of the Taliban’s choice.
- The Taliban will give Russia exclusive rights to newly discovered oil wells in northern Afghanistan through 2025, for which Russia will give Donald Trump a 20% finder’s fee on all profits.
- Donald Trump will say nothing about the Taliban’s human rights violations for the remainder of his time in office a la his silence on China and India’s human rights violations.
- The Taliban will release an official declaration that says Donald Trump’s hands are bigger than any other foreign leader in history who has ever meddled in Afghanistan.
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