New York City, NY—
Fox News just released the results from an exhaustive study on how unfairly President Donald Trump has been treated throughout his whole life.
“Our rigorous scientific survey has revealed unambiguously that no one in the history of recorded human civilization has ever faced more obstacles to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness than Donald J. Trump,” explained Sean Hannity, who discussed the results of the study on his show last night.
Hannity then spent several minutes describing the various incidents throughout Trump’s business and political careers that have had no competition from anyone else in terms of uncalled for meanness and viciousness.
“To start off, Donald Trump suffered his first major bankruptcies in Atlantic City,” Hannity said, “And he may have vastly overpaid for those casinos in terrible business deals that made it literally impossible for him to turn a profit, but casino-goers were so mean to him by not spending all their money so that he could stay in business. And then the banks were so vicious to him by taking ownership of the properties he defaulted on, and then paying him an allowance to pretend to still be a rich man in order for people to still buy into the Trump name as a luxury brand so that the banks could make some money off the ill-advised loans they had given Trump. It may sound like a bailout that Trump totally did not deserve, but Trump lost his beloved casinos and that might be the worst punishment anyone has ever had to endure since Jesus died on the cross!”
Hannity then moved on to some of Trump’s other failed business ventures.
“And another major source of unfairness in Trump’s life was the free market’s total disinterest in Trump Steaks, Trump Airlines, and Trump vodka. Sure, Trump doesn’t actually drink alcohol, and knows nothing about vodka, and gave his name to an opportunistic huckster, but consumers treated Trump so unfairly by not ordering a Trump & Tonic every time they went to a bar. And then Trump University was more unfairness. Can you believe that virtually everyone who attended a class there sued him in a class action lawsuit for fraud? It’s not Trump’s fault they were stupid enough to believe that Trump was a good businessman and had any useful knowledge to pass on to prospective business students. That’s on them!”
Next, Hannity addressed Trump’s political misfortunes.
“Then we come to the 2016 Election, which was totally rigged against Trump. The Democrats got millions of extra votes from totally illegal immigrants, and the fact that Trump won an Electoral College technicality victory over Hillary Clinton and has been President for the last several years does not mitigate the fact that the entire process was rigged against him! And now the Democrats have done nothing but obstruct Trump at every turn! Just because Trump committed campaign finance violations, is suspiciously hiding his tax returns, colluded with foreign nations for personal electoral gain, obstructed the Mueller Investigation, extorted Ukraine, is accepting foreign bribes at his properties around the world, is failing to execute several laws passed by Congress, lots of witness intimidation, and has scores of conflicts of financial interests with US policy? Obama did way worse, and he never got impeached! So that’s why Trump is totally vindicated when he says he gets treated so unfairly! All the people throughout history who have been tortured, murdered, and raped are glad they never got treated half so bad as Trump gets treated every day by the Democrats!”
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