President Donald Trump took to Twitter this morning to discuss his administration’s response to the coronavirus, and unveiled a new Twitter nickname for COVID-19:
“Everyone is saying I’ve done a tremendous job preventing the spread of coronavirus! The number of cases is way lower here in America than China or South Korea, to the point where it reminds me of Jeb Bush. So, effective immediately, I’ve changed its name to ‘Low-Energy Coronavirus’ because of how lazy it is infecting Americans!”
“The Fake News will say that our number of confirmed coronavirus cases is artificially low because I’ve totally botched the rollout of testing kits and medical preparedness, and because I’ve been lying for weeks about how serious the situation is, and because I suffer from the Dunning-Krueger effect where I’m so ignorant that I literally have no idea how dumb I am, but my uncle went to MIT so that’s impossible!”
“I understand everything about coronavirus, more than all the doctors! A lot of people don’t know this, but the coronavirus is very, very small. It’s so tiny. It’s tinier than Mike Bloomberg, even. And it’s not good. It’s very bad. It’s a bad virus. And that’s why you don’t want to get it. It’s kind of like the flu, but a little different, too. Both are small and bad. See? I know everything there is to know about coronavirus!”
“The best thing we can do is remain calm because I have the best people. Starting today, I’m assigning Rudy Giuliani to figure out how to fight coronavirus! I’m sending him to Ukraine, and he’s going to do a little bit of digging to see if he can find any dirt on coronavirus. I’ve also asked Russia to hack coronavirus’s emails and leak them to the public! No President has ever been tougher on coronavirus than me!”
“The Fake News will claim I’m colluding with coronavirus and purposefully not doing a beautiful job against coronavirus so that it can infect more of the country, but the Democrats are the ones colluding with coronavirus, not me! No collusion, no need to investigate, no need to check my tax returns! All my business deals with coronavirus were totally perfect, just like the call and the transcript! No coronavirus collusion! I couldn’t even pick coronavirus out if it was in this room right now!”
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