Germany Was Not Sending Its Best When Frederick Trump Came In 1885

St. Louis, MO—

When Donald Trump’s grandfather, Frederick Trump (born super foreigner-sounding and unAmerican-looking Friederich), came to the US in 1885 in order to avoid compulsory military service, Germany was, frankly, not sending its best people.

Germany was laughing at America, and mocking us for our stupidity. Germany was beating us economically. Germany was not our friend, believe me. They were killing us economically. The US back then was a dumping ground for Germany’s problems.

It’s true. When Germany in 1885 sent its people, they were not sending their best. They weren’t sending you, or me, they were sending people with lots of problems. And those immigrants brought those problems to us. They brought drugs, they brought crime, they were rapists, and some, I assume, were good people. But definitely not the Trumps. The Trumps were the worst of the worst. They had giant, cantaloupe-sized calves from hauling so many problems on their backs to America.

I read the diaries of the border guards in the 1880s. They wrote what we were getting. It only takes common sense that Germany was not sending the right people, specifically the 1885 Germans named “Trump.” You wouldn’t believe what the border guards were writing about the Trumps.

We had no protection, and no competence. We didn’t know what was happening. We gotta send the Trumps back.

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2 thoughts

  1. What a pleasure to read sophisticated satire that stays true to a noble literary form. The content here made my day.

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