Chancellor of Rodentia Goebbels the Gerbil has made several claims suggesting his election opponent Hammy Hamster belongs in jail.
“The crimes are unimaginable,” said Goebbels the Gerbil today in a campaign event. “The hamsters are so mean, and so illegal. Hammy is a total joke. You wouldn’t believe what he’s done. People ten, twenty years ago couldn’t even dream of these crimes. And he’s losing his mind. He’s a very sleepy person. And they’re going to try and rig the election. The hamsters don’t like Rodentia. They hate our troops. They might as well be illegal rodents. They are not bringing their best to Rodentia. They come here, they eat all our vegetables, and you know what happens next, don’t you folks? It’s not nice. It’s very bad. They’re very bad rodents. You do not want to know. But you don’t have to. I’m on it. Just sit back and trust me. You’re going to love it. You’re going to get sick of it because you love it so much. I want to make Rodentia great again. And it’s so easy. They hate me because it’s so easy and for so long they’ve never done it. You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but we’re doing truly amazing things. The stocks are going up even with millions more people unemployed and tens of thousands of people dying from a pandemic. It’s only more here because we’ve tested so much. More tests means more cases, and sometimes the bad thing. The really bad thing. But we have it under control. We like the numbers where they are, they’re great numbers. And when we open up the schools, that will stop the spread. Kids can’t get it and pass it on to their entire families. So I think very soon, the Chinese pandemic will clear up. And the fake news will never acknowledge any of this. They just lie. They’re very bad people, some of the worst people. Maybe ever. No chancellor has been more harassed than me. The ones who got it bad got it very bad, but I have it very bad as well. Maybe worse. They’re #NeverGoebbels. They’ve been losers their whole lives, and now they can’t stand that I’m winning. And I’m making it look so easy. Can you believe what I’ve done? They said I never could have done it. I think I’ve accomplished more than any other chancellor in history. Except maybe Ebercheezer Beaver. Maybe I’m second, but who knows? Maybe history will be very good to me. I think it will. I think history is going to be so great to me. I can tell. I’m one of the best at history. All of it. People have always said I had a great brain for history. But I did deals instead. Big deals. Some of the biggest deals ever. And I’m doing deals for you. All around the world. I am getting myself so many patents for America. I alone can make you rich, too. And I have. The stocks are just tremendous, aren’t they? You’d think we weren’t in the middle of the first crisis I didn’t create for myself, or that I wouldn’t be floundering with a medical response that’s worse than anywhere else in the world. Or a socialist bailout the pandemic is outlasting with tens of millions on unemployment. But the stocks just keep going up. I’m a genius, aren’t I? It’s a very beautiful thing. Promises kept. If you own stock, you basically owe me money. Seriously, you need to rent a room at a Trump property. The coyotes have it rented all next month, but after that I better see these billionaires spending big at my properties. Or I’ll have the IRS look into your numbers. I’ve made Rodentia great again. If you don’t vote for my reelection, Rodentia is not going to be happy with you. Rodentia is maybe going to complain. Loudly. This is not a threat. The fake news will say I’m encouraging my gerbil supporters to take up arms and protest, and shut down states with hamster governors. But Rodentia’s Second Modification people are very mad. They know what’s going on. And for so long. And the Hamsters have committed these crimes for years. And now they want to blame me. And take away your guns. All of them. It’s so bad what they did. And you know what they did. And why they’re so mad. Because we’ve won so much. No one believed I’d ever accomplish this much. Or that I’d read so much. When the national security briefings get delivered I don’t ever skip them or get bored, or stack them in an unread tower on my desk. I read more than anyone. No one reads as much as I read. I’m one of the great readers. That’s why it’s so big what I’ve done. I’m better than them all. I am turning around the carnage in the streets of Rodentia, and they hate it because they couldn’t. Any problem, you name it, I know more than the experts. I don’t need to spend years studying a topic. I know more than those people. That’s why I am your voice. Do you know anything about the complex dynamics of carbon capture in the atmosphere? Or why the Sunnis and Shia hate each other? Or how checks and balances in our Constitution work? Of course you don’t. So aren’t you glad that I also have a skim view of everything? I’m not one of those elitist coastal hamsters. I’m on your side. I tell it like it is. But who knows? Maybe I would have been one of the great thesis writers. You know how it goes, went to Wartmouse, got amazing grades. You wouldn’t believe how high my grades were. I only wasn’t the tippy-toppest valedictorian because the whole time I was so busy making great deals. Unheard of deals. Some of the biggest deals of all time.”
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(Picture, minus the Nazi regalia, courtesy of Norlando Pobre.)