Washington D.C.—
A White House janitor, who requested anonymity, leaked to The Halfway Post a list of President Donald Trump’s next choices for which political pundits, journalists and citizens he will next accuse on Twitter of murder or some other horrible crime.
This follows his recent tweets accusing Morning Joe’s Joe Scarborough of being a murderer.
The list was written on White House stationary with executive adviser Stephen Miller’s infamous watermark of Nosferatu on each page.
Each name listed was followed by a note in Mr. Trump’s trademark cursive sharpie of his reasoning.
Trump’s List Of Top Enemies: [TOP SECRET]
Chris Wallace of Fox News: “Don’t like that guy. Very nasty. How does he have any soul left after such a long career in Fox? Definitely not inviting him to join Trump News Network!”
Eric Trump: “I’m making Eric and Don Jr. compete with each other to see who is the toughest, and who will inherit the half of all my international laundering deals I’m not already giving to Ivanka and Jared, and Eric is in the lead. They are savage against each other, and I love it. So let’s just shake things up for them a bit.”
Don Lemon of CNN: “The last time a black man made fun of me, I got elected President of the United States and ruined the legacy of his competent governance, just saying.”
Lyin’ Killary: “She is grandma of the nasties. I would have thought she’d be way past menopause by now, but, nope, still getting blood everywhere. So maybe it’s not period blood, it’s murder blood!”
Dash MacIntyre of The Halfway Post: “Their headlines are the fakest of the fake, and they lie about having so many documents from my janitors and having all these anonymous White House sources. Very bad people!”
Joe Biden: “If I accuse him of murder, he’s so sleepy he won’t remember he never did it! And all the super-left Biden haters will believe it, and further cement their determination to let him win and for fascism to take over so they can show everyone they are radically woke and much too pure and unblemished to ever support a moderately liberal candidate chosen by the disproportionately old people who actually care enough to spend a half hour getting out and voting. Millennial liberals would get the candidates they want if they participated without scoffing, but Republicans sure are glad they don’t bother! Mitch McConnell just said that’s why we have to encourage the armed protesters parading around Democratic state capitols. We have no electoral hope, and are going to keep losing the popular vote, so we gotta get violent and oppressive. And then I’ll win, and get to do my fascism more, and corrupt the entire government enough and blackmail enough people for Ivanka to be able to become President with 90% of the vote like in Russia after my time is up!”
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