Trump’s MIT Uncle Says He Will Vote For Biden

Boston, MA—

President Donald Trump’s uncle who taught at MIT just said that he was going to vote for Joe Biden this November.

The Halfway Post reached out to John G. Trump in a phone conversation, and the following is a transcript of the call:

THP: “Will you be supporting your nephew for Election 2020?”

Trump: “Hell no! My nephew is dumber than a bag of rocks. He’s ruined our familial name for the rest of American history with his race-baiting and xenophobia! I’m embarrassed to be related to him! He’s always bringing up my name to show how smart he is, but he has no clue how genetics works. I’m not his father, so none of my genes went directly to him, and his dad got a totally different genetic arrangement than I did. His dad wasn’t very bright either, if I’m being honest. I got all the smart genes, and Fred and little Donnie got all the greedy genes. I don’t know where little Donnie’s sociopath genes came from, but they certainly didn’t come from me! Maybe all the paint chips he ate as a kid got to his brain. His childhood bedroom walls looked like they were gnawed on by a horde of rats, and in those days the paint was full of lead!”

THP: “So who are you planning on voting for?”

Trump: “I’m a Biden guy. Anybody but Trump, really. I’m a NeverTrumper. Biden isn’t perfect, but I’ll take anyone who can nip little Donnie’s fascist tendencies in the bud. Can you imagine how unhinged Donnie will get if he gets four more years? Bill Barr is already dropping prosecutions into his allies like Mike Flynn, even after Flynn pleaded guilty twice. It’s blatant quid pro quo practically inviting people to break the law to help him. Trump just fired four investigator generals, and his administration is giving Warren Harding’s famously corrupt cabinet a run for its incompetence and thievery money. My idiot nephew cannot and should not be reelected for America’s sake.”

THP: “Are you a Biden fan?”

Trump: “I’m not opposed to him being President like I’m opposed to my nephew. Is he liberal enough for me? Maybe. Certainly not as liberal as Bernie, but I’m a practical guy. I never let perfect be the enemy of the good. I understand how politics works, how the sausage gets made. Even though he wasn’t my top choice I’m not an idiot so I’m still going to vote for him to stop Trump. If Biden gives me 80% of what I want and think is politically possible, that’s 80% more than Trump will give me. Biden won’t kick tens of millions of Americans off Obamacare, he won’t appoint conservatives to the Supreme Court and federal judiciary, and he won’t come to the office filled to the brim with national security conflicts of interest like my nephew and his awful business ties to foreign governments and their corrupt oligarchs. I’m a Trump who made money the honest way! I didn’t become a slumlord and take out so many loans that banks had to bail me out when my terrible business decisions finally caught up to me like little Donnie did. So I’m Joe Biden all the way!”

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