Washington D.C.—
According to White House insiders, President Donald Trump is reversing his administration’s policies to sabotage USPS effectiveness and slow down America’s mail service, effective immediately, because several of the smut magazines he has subscriptions for have been arriving late.
“President Trump is always complaining how First Lady Melania Trump hasn’t put out since Barron was conceived,” said a White House staffer requesting anonymity. “She won’t even hold his hand, which really bums him out because media cameras regularly capture footage of her swatting away his hand when he tries. She says his tiny little sausage fingers gross her out. So, to compensate, Trump gets a dozen or so men’s magazines delivered several times a week, but the mail delays from USPS restructuring are really slowing down his new editions from arriving in a timely manner. This is bad news for everyone at the White House because Trump gets really moody when his magazines are late, and he starts being extra gropey with Ivanka, which upsets Jared Kushner, who has never understood their weird, incestual dynamic.”
Another White House staffer confirmed Mr. Trump is more focused and easier to work with when his smut magazines arrive in time for his scheduled “Executive Hours.”
“He’ll turn on Fox News and listen to Sean Hannity metaphorically giving him a handjob while going to town, so to speak. Sometimes, after a good look-thru of his latest Playboy, Trump will actually be focused enough to listen to a couple paragraphs of his daily briefing. It really cheers him up. In fact, Trump says his biggest regret about becoming president is that he had to give up his Miss Universe pageant. He says it’s way harder to sneak in on naked teenagers at the White House, and he thought that America’s top bureaucrats would be way hotter than they are. He was very disappointed to find out that Obama had spent eight years appointing government officials according to merit and experience instead of looks and what he called the ‘it factor.’ One of Trump’s first executive orders was that any women applying for White House jobs had to be 8’s or above to get hired. This created a lot of confusion and stress for his advisers given how subjective and illegal that requirement was, but it’s not like unprofessionalism and harassment charges have ever stopped him before. And it is indeed very important Trump gets his smut magazines. If he doesn’t get them he starts creeping in on White House tours of middle schoolers, and stands to the side of the room commenting to Stephen Miller on which ones he and Jeffrey Epstein would have invited to their parties. We can’t have that happen too much, can we?”
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