Washington D.C.—
President Donald Trump challenged Joe Biden to a running race last night in the following series of tweets:
“Why is everyone calling me ‘Ramp Boy’? I walked down that ramp perfectly! I only held on to that general because I was worried HE was going to fall. I’m the most in-shape I’ve ever been in my life! 239 pounds of sheer muscle mass!”
“A lot of people don’t know this, but Joe Biden is actually fatter than me! You just wouldn’t think it because the Fake News media photoshops and doctors all the photos and videos of me to make me look tubby! Hey CNN: I do NOT have manboobs, nor saucer nipples!”
“In fact, if Joe Biden is in better shape than me, he ought to agree to a race! I challenge Joe to a 400-meter dash! When I was at Wharton getting the best test scores and studying at the top of my class and reading more than anyone, I was also setting running records!”
“Just don’t ask Wharton because they weren’t keeping records because they couldn’t believe I was running so fast. All the running records were rigged! And it’s classified. And the IRS is auditing those running records from the 60s, so they can’t be made public anyway! Same with my grades and library check-out records!”
“But I’m totally going to beat Joe! He’s so brain-dead he’ll probably start running in the wrong direction! I’ll even give Joe a 5-second head start! What do you say @JoeBiden? Do you want to race the fastest president we’ve ever had?”
“You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but me and Obama raced each other in the 400-meter when I visited during the transition, and I beat him! He couldn’t believe it, and neither could anyone else! I’d love to show the video of that, but the IRS is auditing it as well, and no one takes IRS audits more seriously than me!”
From The Halfway Post vault:
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