Washington D.C.—
Rudy Giuliani claims to have found yet another Hunter Biden laptop, but he is adamant that this one is totally for real.
“The other laptop I maybe, perhaps, did not do my due diligence on to make sure the story behind the alleged Hunter Biden scandal was consistent or made any coherent sense, but this laptop is way different!” Mr. Giuliani said to reporters in a hastily arranged press conference this morning. “This new laptop will really change things for the election because it has emails that are way more criminal and alarming than all the emails on the first laptop! Ten times worst! No, even one hundred times worse! I just wish I could show you all some of the emails, but they’re so criminal that I gave them to the FBI to look at, and the FBI probably won’t finish their investigation until after the election… but trust me, these emails are so bad every American should definitely vote for Donald Trump instead of Joe Biden. I also sent some of the emails to Tucker Carlson, but, unfortunately, he’s having more postal service troubles and the package got lost in the mail again! What bad luck! But believe me when I say that Joe Biden is the biggest criminal in human history, and this second laptop 100% proves it! But, again, I just so wish I could show you, or release even one of the emails, but I didn’t make any copies. And they’re all under audit from the IRS… or being hidden by the fake news… or the FBI, or whatever reason I just said ten seconds ago! I think I’m getting my Hunter Biden laptops mixed up! There are so many of them I can’t keep the stories straight! But believe me, every laptop has 100% irrefutable proof that Joe Biden shouldn’t be president. And if this one doesn’t stick, I have a third Hunter Biden laptop to unveil tomorrow! And if that doesn’t work, I have an old iPod Hunter Biden used 15 years ago! He had the song ‘Kung fu Fighting’ on it! Is that some kind of secret collusion message for China? It absolutely is! And there are dozens of songs on that iPod that 100% prove Joe Biden is a crook! So vote Trump!”
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