Republicans Are Privately Begging Democrats Not To Be As Selfish In Gerrymandering As They Were In 2010

Washington D.C.—

According to several prominent Democratic Party officials, Republicans at the RNC have been privately asking Democrats not to use the upcoming census results to gerrymander as egregiously as they did back in 2010.

“We all saw what happened in 2010 when Republicans basically stole a House majority for eight years by taking advantage of their electoral success with the Tea Party movement protesting ObamaCare,” said David Gossamer, a DNC staffer. “It was a mid-term election, which tends to benefit Republicans with lower levels of voter turnout than presidential years, and they really gerrymandered the tobacco juice out of a whole host of states they took gubernatorial and legislative control over. They made it so that purple swing states had up to two-thirds GOP representation in Congress. Real shameless. Now Republicans are begging us not to do the same given that Democrats are poised to win big in state and Congressional elections coinciding with the 2020 census, and, I gotta be honest, I have a strong desire to rat-f*** a permanent Democratic House majority right back at them. They screwed us so bad that in 2012 House Democrats overall won 1.2 million more votes than Republicans, and the GOP was still able to have 33 more seats than us. Republicans are the ones who say the government should mirror the Bible, so I’m down to take an eye for an eye in terms of redistricting!”

Republicans, however, are hoping Democrats take the higher road.

“I know Democrats are still sore about 2010,” said Herb Plathers, an RNC staffer, “but I hope Democrats can be forgiving. We Republican maybe cheated pretty grotesquely, but someone has to be the bigger man and end the tit-for-tat nature of our current partisan politics that we Republicans started. And I hope it’s the Democrats. I really would respect Democrats if they took the higher road, and ignored our various disenfranchisement schemes, like our closing of hundreds of polling locations in urban Democratic districts to ensure hours-long voting lines in blue states, our intentionally tough and restrictive voter-ID laws, our cutting of early voting hours, our lawsuits on all the new COVID-related voting options, our intentional dismantling of USPS mail-sorting machines and subsequent lawsuits to throw out any votes that arrive late, our deleting of hundreds of thousands of names off voter rolls, our efforts to block ex-felons from voting, and of course our general tricks of voter harassment and misinformation. I promise if Democrats don’t go out of their way to use the big majorities they’re expected to win this election to decimate Republican legislative representation like we decimated their representation in 2010, we Republicans will feel a little bit guilty the next time we rat-f*** America with more gerrymandering!”

From The Halfway Post vault:

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s