Betsy DeVos Congratulates Run-Down Elementary School With Tainted Water And No Heating For Effort

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Detroit, MI—

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos made a public appearance at an elementary school in Detroit, Michigan, this morning, and she congratulated the students for their scholastic efforts despite the debilitating neglect their school is suffering due to her social Darwinist approach to education policy.

“We would love nothing more than to be able to afford to give you kids clean water,” explained Secretary DeVos, “but the lacrosse team at the charter school I own, Rich White Christian Children’s Academy, need new cleats and jerseys because their cleats and jerseys are a year old now, and, well, the boys and girls at RWCCA are cleaner than all of you so that’s where the Education Department’s tax dollars are going to be funneled. It’s like you’re all trying to be unemployable already in the fifth grade. But I suppose I shouldn’t be mad at you students, it’s not your fault. You’re all just unlucky that your parents are poor, and can’t afford to enroll you in a private charter school. I’m assuming the tuition at my school is much too high for your families based on how little name brand clothing I see you all wearing, though I’d never start a charter school in this town. Majority-minority charter schools just aren’t as profitable. Although I would get a big kick out of lobbying your city and county to siphon away some of your school’s funding for a satellite RWCCA. Figuring out how to loot public funds for private charter schools is like Sudoku for me. It keeps my brain sharp, and is just so much fun! Frankly, though, your parents’ lackluster property taxes are quite pitiful. There’s not much to steal from. But let me tell all of you how proud I am of how hard you’re working despite the obstacles of childhood poverty laid out in front of you keeping you forever behind the kids at Rich White Christian Children’s Academy. Keep it up, and maybe you can work hard enough to become janitors at RWCCA and work for me someday… if you cut off all that nappy hair. So hang in there, kiddos. And when you take a drink from the water fountains remember to try and swish the water around in your mouth to isolate any big pieces of lead that may have come off from the crumbling city pipes so you can spit them out. You don’t want to swallow those if you can help it! I’ll try to secure some funding for new pipes for your school in a few years, but first the Rich White Christian Children’s Academy needs a new computer lab. Can you believe their computers are already a year old? I’d give the old computers to your school, except you’ll learn a much more valuable lesson about self-reliance if I throw them away instead.”

Ms. DeVos then shook all of the students’ hands while wearing latex gloves.

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