Betsy DeVos Congratulates Run-Down Elementary School With Tainted Water And No Heating For Effort

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Detroit, MI—

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos made a public appearance at an elementary school in Detroit, Michigan, this morning, and there she congratulated the students for their efforts despite the debilitating neglect their school is suffering thanks to her department’s incompetence and intentional inaction.

“We would love to be able to afford to give you kids clean water,” explained Ms. Devos, “But the lacrosse players at the school I own, Christian Children’s Academy, need new cleats, and, well, the boys and girls at CCA are cleaner than all of you so that’s where the tax dollars are going to go. It’s like you’re trying to be unemployable already in the fifth grade. But I suppose I should’t be mad at all of you, it’s not your fault. You’re all just unlucky that your parents were poor. But let me tell all of you that I am so proud of how hard you’re working despite the obstacles of childhood poverty laid out in front of you keeping you forever behind the rich kids at Christian Children’s Academy. Keep it up little ones, and maybe you can work hard enough to become janitors at CCA and work for me.”

Ms. DeVos then asked to use the teacher’s hand sanitizer, and shook all of the students’ hands while wearing latex gloves.

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