Mike Pence Demands God Explain Why He Isn’t President Yet

39152593764_0917db5c69_z

Washington D.C.—

Vice President Mike Pence has a famously devout evangelical faith, but it appears that Mr. Pence’s faith is being tested by God’s apparent refusal to make Pence president.

Friends close to Mr. Pence reached out to The Halfway Post requesting anonymity to acknowledge that the VP is going through a rough patch in his relationship with God.

“I’ve known Mike for several decades now,” explained an Indianian colleague, “And this is the most shaken I have ever seen this resolute man be in his ramrod dedication to Christ. He thought that when Trump selected him to be VP it was God telling him he would be president. I think Mike expected it to take place already, though, and it’s not like there haven’t been literally dozens of typical career-ending scandals in the Trump Presidency, but Trump has nowhere near the amount of honor to step down and resign. Every new scandal, from the Russia stuff to the Kim Jong Un Twitter fights to the porn star nondisclosure agreement, Mike gets his hopes up that this will finally be the scandal that is too much for the Republican Congress and Trump supporters to forgive. But Republicans, frankly,  just don’t care, no matter how vile, or antichrist-like, or fascist of a person Donald is revealed to be. And Mike has taken it very personally that America has become so desensitized to Trump’s alarming moral failings because he feels it means that neither the American people nor God want him to be president. It’s a real ego shock for him, to be sure. He thought everyone would have been relieved to see his inauguration. Actually, this is funny, if Trump is removed, Pence has said to confidants that he’d, quote, ‘never pardon that sinning Lucifer cave troll.'”

“Mike is certainly putting in the time to be president, everyone can see that,” said a former colleague of Mr. Pence from his radio days. “He’s always there when Trump is giving speeches, and standing behind the President and giving that completely empty smile-stare that genuinely makes it look like there is absolutely nothing going on inside his head and he’s a robot-person. Mike has a beautiful knack for standing there squinting his eyes as if it literally pains him to have to look at a man so morally reprehensible as Trump, and to be associated with him in any form. However, Mike is ambitious, and he’s just really pissed that God is making him suffer for so long before giving him a Presidency. At this point I think Mike would be more willing to follow the story arc of Abraham and sacrifice one of his kids to God in exchange for the Presidency than enduring another week of Trump’s festering swamp existence.”

The Office of the Vice President refused to comment on this story.

(Picture courtesy of the U.S. Embassy Tel Aviv.)

Leave a Reply