Trump Blames The Military’s Respect Of Human Rights For Why He Lost

Washington D.C.—

According to White House leakers, President Donald Trump is blaming the military for why he lost reelection in phone conversations with foreign leaders.

The following is a transcription of a call Mr. Trump had with Russian President Vladimir Putin that leaked to The Halfway Post. Its verbatim accuracy has been confirmed by at least three Trump Administration sources:

“Sorry, Vlad, I know… I know, it’s f***ing bulls***… I knew I should have taken your advice and started pushing journalists and Democrats off roofs… I was waiting for the second term… I know, but I had to get reelected first… Yeah, presidents can’t be indicted, but it’s way harder to campaign if everyone is blaming you for murder… I should have made some examples, you’re right… Tell me about it. It’s just my military has so many dumb rules. They’re such rule-followers. Be glad your military does what you want. My generals are so lazy. They won’t even pepper spray protesters. I had to get Bill Barr to do that with Department of Justice goons… That’s not my fault… Hey, it’s not all my fault, you know… I remember a certain someone telling me that their hackers and Twitter trolls would keep Pennsylvania red! You said that, didn’t you? … Yeah, yeah, yeah…. Of course I’m still going to pull America out of all the arms and peace agreements so you can do whatever you want and blame America later… Obviously I’m going to try to get rid of the sanctions again… And what about your end of the bargain? … No, we agreed Trump Tower Moscow would be 45 stories tall, not 44! What the f***?! That’s Obama’s number! … I don’t care if I didn’t get reelected, a deal is a deal! … Come on, Vlad… What if I make Eric be your slave for a year? … I can’t pull all our troops out of Germany, believe me, I tried… We can’t make it too obvious, Vlad! … Yeah? Well, your American Freedom superPAC didn’t spend quite as many rubles on TV ads in Georgia and Arizona as you claimed it would, did it? You’re not keeping up all your end of the bargain either, are you? … Fine, 44 stories. But count the basement as the first floor so we can say in the marketing brochures that it’s 45 stories. And don’t forget to make sure on all the tax filings that it’s listed as only 35 stories. I’m not f***ing paying taxes on all 44 stories!”

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