Washington D.C.—
A brand new discovery of a sexually transmitted disease has just given President Donald Trump his life’s latest honor.
The disease, scientifically classified as Trumporrhea trachomatis, is a mushroom-shaped bacterium that infects primarily one’s urethra, and turns the surrounding surface area orange in a manner that its medical discoverers thought bore a striking resemblance to Mr. Trump’s penchant for orange foundation makeup.
“The orange kind of flares out from the urethra’s opening, but in circumcised men it rarely covers the whole penile head,” explained Dr. Harold Weinerman, who thought up the name for the new disease, and said his surname inspired his field of medical study. “The moment my lab recognized the orange discoloring as a trademark indicator of Trumporrhea’s infection, I knew I had to give credit where credit was due. It almost perfectly imitates the President’s classic, minstrel-esque makeup look, where he paints himself real orange but doesn’t quite blend it all the way into his hairline, and seems to lose interest while applying it when he gets to his jaw so that there’s always a distinctive border descending down from his ears where his neck and throat are just a completely different color from his face. I myself thought it also amusingly familiar that another common symptom of Trumporrhea is a burning sensation while urinating just like America’s democracy gets a burning sensation every time the President opens his mouth and whines about fake news, election fraud, and how mean and unfair everyone in the world is to him.”
Trumporrhea is easily treated with antibiotics.
“Trumporrhea’s cell walls are so quickly burst through by penicillium during treatment,” said Weinerman, “that I like to think Trumporrhea bacteriums yell out that biology is rigged against it.”
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