Washington D.C.—
Russian President Vladimir Putin just made major news endorsing Eric Trump for president in the upcoming 2024 American election.
“I believe Eric is the smartest of the Trump kids,” explained Putin in a brief press conference today in Moscow. “I believe he will be the hardest to trick into a kompromat situation, and the most difficult negotiator on trade deals and foreign policy. So I think Eric will best represent America on the world stage. He will… most diligently… fight for American principles… and democratic values…. Bahahahahahahahahahaha! I was so close to getting through that with a straight face! It’s just too funny! Eric! Hahahahahahahaha! No, obviously we want Eric to win, but any Trump kid will do, quite honestly. They’re all so bereft of morals and integrity. But Eric is particularly tempting for us to collude with and prop up in our social media troll farms and meddling operations because we like underdogs. Eric is the runtiest of runts we’ve ever seen. He’s so desperate for paternal love that he’d probably drop all Russian sanctions just for a single compliment! And stealing from children’s cancer charities, wow. Talk about shameless. Eric is going to be so easy to film doing perverted stuff and then blackmail him over it that we’re kind of surprised we haven’t accidentally done it already unintentionally! But, really, any of the Trump kids will do. They’ll all help further unravel America’s wealth, power, and respect around the world. It must be genetic or something that the Trump family are all so easy to flip against their mother country, both knowingly and unknowingly. National shame apparently runs in the Trump family since they were deported from Germany. And now they’re like the goldmine of spy operation targeting. They’re extremely greedy and bribable, they’re all terrible with money so they’re constantly in debts we can control them with, they’re spectacularly narcissistic so ego-pumping is hilariously easy, and all of them are trust fund babies who inherited the family money from grandpa Fred Trump so, frankly, they’re all pretty dumb and untalented. Their delusions of grandeur have all been so stoked by our spy agents that they literally have no idea they’ve been doing our bidding for years. Trump spent four years doing everything we wanted him to do, and he genuinely believes he’s a great US president! Ha! When he said no one has been harder on Russian than him… that’s a classic joke now in Russia! The youths all say it! And I want to take a moment to thank Russia’s hackers and troll farm spammers, and their tremendous conspiracy peddling that has turned Trump voters throughout America so usefully dumb! I’m literally spilling out our top secret plans and bragging about our successes right now, in English, on international media, and it won’t matter at all. We’ll just have our troll farms share a bunch of videos on Youtube, Parler, and Facebook calling my announcement right now fake news and communist propaganda from Democrats, and they’ll believe it! Sometimes I think we went too far, and made conservative American voters too dumb, but… oh, well. That’s Joe Biden’s problem, not mine! Vote Eric in 2024! The man America can trust to—hahahahahaha I can’t say it! I can’t say it with a straight face!”
Then Mr. Putin walked away from the podium laughing and wiping tears from his eyes, and the press conference ended.
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