Trump Hopes Inciting A Civil War Won’t Hurt His Nobel Peace Prize Prospects

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump’s dwindling desperate legal options to overturn the election he lost are virtually unanimously losing in court, and Trump is reportedly wondering if he should try a coup by telling his most passionate and armed supporters to help him stay in power by launching a new civil war.

However, Mr. Trump is worried such an effort would dash his hopes of winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

“Because Obama got one, President Trump really, really wants one,” explained a White House staffer, who requested anonymity to describe Trump’s secret plans to remain president. “He claims the Nobel Committee must be rigged against him or he would have gotten all of them already. He thinks he should have won the Nobel in literature for The Art of the Deal, the Nobel in medicine for the COVID vaccines being developed while he was president, the Nobel in chemistry for having such great genetics and brain processes, and the Nobel in physics for being physically the sexiest president in history. Some of those ideas are obviously ridiculous, but he’s adamant that he really deserves the peace prize. He says his desire to get that award is the only reason he hasn’t yet bombed Iran, started a new war in order to reinstate the draft and conscript Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi to the front lines, or nuked John McCain’s grave. There were several times where he ordered the military to invade Greenland to steal it from Denmark before we talked him out of it by reminding him that the Nobel Committee was watching whether he was being naughty or nice.”

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