Washington D.C.—
Senator Ted Cruz reportedly affirmed Joe Biden’s election victory over Donald Trump this evening, and called Mr. Biden the “President-Elect.”
“Earlier today I called Present-Elect Biden and congratulated him on his historic victory,” said Cruz to a gaggle of reporters. “And I told him that he had my full respect and admiration as the forthcoming President of the United States. I let him know that whenever he wanted to call my wife ‘ugly’ was perfectly fine by me, and that, in fact, I’d be honored to hear him say it. I even gave him several of the most unflattering photos I could find of her in case he wanted to upload them to Twitter. It’s nothing special, and I’ve decided to grant this privilege to every president from now on. It’s simply Joe Biden’s turn to embarrass my wife publicly. I also gave him a free pass to call my wife ‘fugly,’ ‘pugly,’ ‘pigly,’ ‘gagly’ ‘mangled facially,’ ‘vomitous,’ ‘gnarled,’ ‘mashed-and-gravied,’ ‘plain,’ or ‘homely.’ And if that wasn’t enough, I told him he could accuse my dad of being a murderer, too. I don’t even blame him! All of us Cruz’s are creeps! I have to say I’m looking forward to working with Biden to pass some legislation I hope will help me get elected President myself in 2024. Then it’s my turn to call my wife ugly!”
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