- He just smells so bad
- There’s something seemingly unAmerican about the way Trump eats his steaks well-done like some kind of prissy European
- Two of Trump’s three wives were immigrants who chain-migrated their families to America
- Most of Trump’s kids have “immigrant-poisoned blood”
- Ivanka married a Jew and converted
- Ivanka and Jared just visited Israel “like total globalists”
- Trump regularly confuses Jesus with Odysseus and Heracles from Greek mythology
- Trump regularly confuses Jesus with Abraham, Noah, and Moses from the Old Testament
- His wife Melania’s reptilian eyes give her away as an extra-terrestrial shapeshifter, and who knows what she’s manipulating him into thinking and doing when alone together
- Everyone knows Trump is going to be on Jeffrey Epstein’s list a hundred times
- Trump is already accusing, with no evidence, fellow Republicans Ron DeSantis, Nikki Haley, and Chris Christie of rigging the GOP primaries before any voting has begun
- The speed with which Trump has attacked the rumors that he smells like 6-day-old, rotting roast beef sandwiches left out in the sun suggests almost certainly that the rumors are true
- It’s pretty obvious looking at his pants that he wears diapers
- Trump desecrated Christmas by telling the majority of America to “rot in Hell”
- Trump’s ambiguous comments suggesting incestual attraction to Ivanka have never not been weird, awkward, and creepy
- An originalist interpretation of the Constitution that Republicans have always enshrined as sacred does pretty blatantly suggest Donald Trump is disqualified from running for president for inciting an insurrection against the government
- The floor mats Trump has been publicly using for months do lend credence to the allegation that Trump’s advanced onset of dementia has made him unable to balance himself while standing for extended periods of time
- It’s hard to deny Trump is a sex criminal when he’s literally been found guilty of sexual assault by a jury of his peers
- Biden is building more of the wall on the Mexican border than Trump did
- The recession everyone swore Biden would cause never happened
- Biden’s stock market records are now higher than Trump’s stock market records
- America is drilling more oil under Biden than it ever did under Trump
- Gas prices are getting really low now thanks to Biden
- Biden got several infrastructure bills passed despite all of Trump’s fruitless “infrastructure weeks”
- Stephen Miller is going to get another high job in a second Trump term, and there’s just no way to sugarcoat the fact that Stephen Miller is a disturbed little freak who looks like a cross between Nosferatu and Joseph Goebbels
- The last three years have been a wonderful break from constant political controversy and stress every time we wake up and grab our phones to see if Trump pulled the US out of NATO, or called another murderer dictator his lover, or is feuding with a random actress on Twitter for calling him “unstable”
- Trump won’t just shut up about 2020
- The NFTs Trump is selling are drawn with incredibly bad taste
- No one seems to be worried that Melania just disappears from public view for months at a time
- Trump talks way too much about windmills and water pressure
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Check out my poetry book Cabaret No Stare, available in print and on Kindle.
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And Check out my podcast, Brain Milk, I do with Adrian Polk where we discuss politics, economics, history, and Millennial culture.
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