Welcome to the Christian Cafeteria, where we assure you we have the widest ideological selection of Judeo-Christian beliefs in town!
We have all the staples served a la carte for you to pick and choose from, and catalogue your very own personal Christian theology! We operate on an all-you-can-believe basis, so you can keep coming back up until you’re totally full of your favorite Christian themes.
Whether your approach to faith is fundamentalist, orthodox, moderate, progressive, or even just a little spiritual, you’re going to find all the thoughtfully curated Commandments, Bible passages, abominations, virtues, and role models that fit the preconceived dogma you no doubt already settled on before coming in!
Our promise to you is that we will never judge your selections. Though you may choose to harshly judge any number of sexual and gender identities, racial ethnicities or other religions, and feel uncomfortable around any number of varying lifestyles, our employees are specifically trained not to laugh, get offended, or point out how hypocritical or logically paradoxical your selections are. Our cafeteria is a safe space for belligerent hostility!
So come on in, and try for yourself the Christian Cafeteria! It’s fast, easy, and wholesome fun for the whole family. Don’t worry, children under 18 must be accompanied at all times by a parent or guardian, so mom and dad can consent to all their religious choices. We promise your rebellious teenagers can’t be secretly satanic, heathen, agnostic, atheist, or anything other than what you force them to be here!
We’re also pleased to announce a recent renovation we’ve just finished to make your experience even better! We now have TWO totally separate buffet sides, with the Old Testament on the left and the New Testament on the right. We understand tastes change and evolve (lol jk), and we’ve listened to valuable customer feedback about how some morals from Jesus, such as “do not judge,” “welcome refugees like they’re your family members,” and “turn the other cheek” have become quite polarized in our contemporary political climate. So we’ve revamped our Old Testament selection to feature an ever expanding number of increasingly popular retro trends in traditional black and white Yahweh classics, such as “an eye for an eye” and various ethno-nationalist claims about who the “chosen people” are.
We’re also now pre-packaging takeout theology combo options for the Christian on the go. Our carefully selected and curated combos are perfect if you don’t have the time to come in and consider the thousands of Bible passages we have available. All you have to do is give us a personalized list of the top five personality traits you find admirable or lifestyles you consider to be damnable, and one of our expert curators will find all the best, most appropriate Bible passages to make your particular brand of intolerance feel perfectly Godly! No two combo options of immutable Biblical truths will ever be the same, or even remotely similar, so 100% satisfaction is guaranteed!
Come experience the Christian Cafeteria today!
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