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- Legal experts say if Katie Phang’s lawsuit to force the release of the Epstein Files is successful, the Florida law Republicans passed in 2023 mandating the death penalty for pedophiles would necessitate putting Donald Trump in the electric chair.
- Trump is reportedly freaking out because Putin and Netanyahu have both revoked their offers to let him flee to their countries when he inevitably gets impeached and removed next year after Democrats investigate his rampant fraud and abuses of power.
- Andrew Tate reportedly won’t come out of his jail cell because prison is making him look like a “beta soy boy” after losing his access to Botox, hair loss pills, and testosterone supplements, and also his cannibal neighbor follows him around licking his lips.
- White House staffers say they’re begging Trump to stop posting about Jon Ossoff because the attacks are raising Ossoff’s profile to stratospheric levels, but Trump “can’t handle a younger, better looking, more virile guy stealing the limelight from him.”
- White House officials say Trump is only spending so much time with Natalie Harp because she’s helping him put together a “really amazing anniversary present for Melania.”
- GOP House and Senate candidates for Congress are reportedly relieved the mainstream media isn’t forcing them on live television to answer, “Will you vote to release the Epstein Files, or will you protect all the predators?” because that would be quality journalism.
- Natalie Harp reportedly finishes all the leftover food Trump doesn’t eat off his plate, and also flushes the toilet for him when he makes it to the bathroom.
- One positive thing about all the food in America being contaminated with diarrheal bacteria and deadly parasites is the tech billionaires might finally flee to their island bunkers and live underground for the next couple years, and finally leave us alone and stop exploiting us.
- A Secret Service agent reportedly grabbed Trump’s spare diaper bag instead of the nuclear football during his latest trip back to D.C. from Mar-a-Lago, and now the Trump Administration doesn’t know where the nuke codes are.
- The warden of the Miami prison Andrew Tate is jailed in says Tate’s cannibal neighbor has been receiving “hundreds of letters a month” from people sharing creative recipes including “Tate Sausage,” “Tater Tots,” and “Andrew Stew.”
- Florida Republicans are reportedly strategizing how to quietly repeal their 2023 law mandating the death penalty for child rapists to avoid an awkward situation where, if the Epstein Files ever implicate Trump, he’d have to be arrested at Mar-a-Lago and put on death row.
- Israeli officials are reportedly fed up with Jared Kushner because, as one official said, “Jared’s an untalented nepo baby with minimal influence thanks to Trump’s dementia, and he’s distracted by his frozen Albanian island deal and the BBC subpoena of his financials.”
- Trump is reportedly furious at all the tech officers and coders running his social media platform Truth Social because he has been attacking and tagging Jon Ossoff so often in his posts that now the algorithm is showing him nonstop pro-Ossoff content.
- Trump’s BBC lawsuit has reportedly “ruined Jared and Ivanka’s summer” because they’ve been “terrified to leave their home or step foot in public” where BBC lawyers can serve subpoenas for their financial records, which may or may not be full of shady money laundering.
- A petition asking the Miami prison that Andrew Tate is being held in to livestream his jail cell 24/7 just surpassed 15 million signatures from people who want to watch him rot in prison.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the perfect book for you: Trump Comedy. I’ve also published two others: Satire In The Trump Years and Satire In The Biden Years.
Also check out my four existentialist poetry books: Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 