- 1. Pete Hegseth reportedly believes he has the potential to run for president in a beautiful projection of his trademark arrogant incompetence and cowboy delusions of self-grandeur. Maybe if democracy ends, and the vote doesn’t matter anymore, but, if the American experiment in self-government isn’t snuffed out by this administration’s cult of personality carnival to join in on all the globalist dictator oligarchy fun, then the idea is absurd.
- 2. Hegseth literally hates most of the country: fatties, beardos, weirdos, the queer community, advocates of human rights and following military law, women and people of color, anyone who isn’t a fundamentalist Evangelical. Hegseth’s entire campaign would necessarily be that America is a cesspool of decadent libtardery, and everyone’s lives need to dramatically change so America stops being a limp-dicked society of beta losers.
- 3. Also, Hegseth would mandate everyone start joining in on public displays of Evangelical fervor to Republican Jesus. As a Christo-fascist there’s no way he’d win a Republican primary. I’m confident the GOP’s Closetocracy would make sure of that!
- 4. Kash Patel is a fucking loser, and he’s a giant liability for national security because, after Trump, no one will ever give him another government job so he certainly will try to fit in with the globalist dictator oligarchy that sees him for an easy mark accepting invites to blackmail parties, and saying yes to money laundering investment opportunities, and drunkenly blabbering national security secrets, protocols, and identites to look cool and important in front of his Trump world’s Russian, Saudi, UAE, and Israeli friends.
- 5. Patel’s jobs preceding FBI Director were podcasting and writing a my-first-cult children’s book about Donald Trump being a fairy tale knight. He was creating terrible AI slop for Trump before Natalie Harp!
- 6. Patel was picked to run the FBI specifically because he is a loser, and won’t stand in the way of Trump killing all the criminal investigations into himself and his corrupt appointees or using the FBI to rig the midterms. When he retires or more likely is fired, he’ll go back to being a loser, except, because of Trump, he’ll have thousands of American secrets to leverage toward feeling like a big boy in the globalist oligarchy club.
- 7. The Republican Senate really, really, really failed America consenting to Hegseth and Patel. They had a Constitutional responsibility and obligation to advise the president that Hegseth and Patel were not professional, serious, competent, experienced, or frankly smart enough to be the Secretary of Defense and FBI Director. And several of the Republicans who have since been politically defenestrated in their primaries by the MAGA mob knew they were terrible choices, but voted the party line anyway.
- 8. Interviewing Donald Trump is useless. Time just published a brand new Trump chat with him. It’s utterly worthless to read Trump’s answers. He doesn’t say anything concrete. He’s not clear or specific about anything. He interjects his rambling defensiveness on everything with random bits of self-aggrandizement. There is no sense of cause-and-effect, and everything he says and thinks and does is merely reactive. He has no plan he can articulate, and there are no goalposts he does not constantly move. History will not be kind to the American society that elected him twice.
- 9. Trump is soooo dumb, and has a 5th grader’s perspective on everything, which is why he uses such superlative language — everything is “the best” or “the worst” and “no one ever knew healthcare could be so complicated.” HE didn’t know it could be so complicated because he’s a moron and doesn’t read anything, and has a terminal Dunning Kruger complex where he just fundamentally has no clue know how little he knows, so therefore thinks he must be a genius.
- 10. The best case scenario following the midterms is Trump gets pissed and resigns out of protest or feigning health issues (with a pardon from JD Vance of course), or he strokes out and either dies of natural causes (so he can’t be martyred in any way) or has to resign cause he’s too mentally incapacitated to hide — like Mitch McConnell obviously is now!
- 11. Then JD Vance would take over as a weird filler president for the next two years in which Democrats (hopefully) have control of both chambers of Congress and investigate and impeach and prosecute the shit out of Trump’s terrible administration.
- 12. Nothing concrete really gets done in this divided government period, while the Republican senators and governors running for president in 2028 such as Ted Cruz, Ron DeSantis, and Josh Hawley try to take a hard swing back to normal politics to disassociate themselves from the Trumpian madness and corruption to beat out presidential candidates from the administration like JD Vance, Marco Rubio, and Pete Hegseth running as the rightful MAGA heirs. Meanwhile everyone backstabs and sandbags Vance to bruise and block his candidacy.
- 13. I truly don’t understand why some Americans get pissed off when they see Hispanic laborers. When I see a group of Hispanic roofers, my immediate reaction isn’t nativist fury, it’s envy that that homeowner is gonna have a solid, dependable roof. Every time I’ve had contractors come to my house to do some work, the Hispanics are fast, efficient, and have great personalities the whole time, while the white workers are typically slow, sloppy, and a little anti-social. Unlike all the racists, I’d actually like to start specifically requesting Mexicans from the companies, and tell the dispatcher, “The sketchier the work documents the better.” I’d even be willing to pay a premium labor charge if the guy they send doesn’t have a green card because that’ll surely mean great service!
📚 If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the perfect books for you: Trump Comedy, Satire In The Trump Years, and Satire In The Biden Years.
Also check out my four existentialist poetry books: Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
☕️ Or buy me a coffee if you want to help keep me caffeinated.
Our social media platforms are getting scrambled by oligarchs so if you like my writing, diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes to interrupt your doomscrolling: Threads, Twitter, Bluesky, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.
