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- Tommy Tuberville is reportedly relieved Eric Schmitt’s self-humiliation has taken media attention off his furry meltdown that left everyone convinced he was projecting his own erotic furry fetish guilt.
- Jared Kushner is reportedly pissed everyone’s blaming him for the lack of progress on ending the wars in Iran and Ukraine, but no one gave his Albanian Epstein island a chance to start collecting pedophile blackmail on foreign diplomats and business executives to manipulate world leaders to what he wants.
- Trump is reportedly threatening to fire any cabinet member who doesn’t help rig the midterms, and says if anyone tries to use the 25th Amendment on him he’ll let Stephen Miller do medical experiments on them and RFK Jr. cook and eat their leftover corpse pieces.
- A Republican senator today tried to display footage of Jack Smith at a basketball game, but accidentally started screen-sharing his Grindr app from his phone.
- Democratic Congressional candidates are increasingly calling for taking Donald Trump’s golf courses as back payment for never paying taxes over the last 50 years, and building data centers on them since he won’t stop declaring data centers are beautiful and fun and everyone should want one in their towns.
- Trump reportedly built a “presidents’ crypt” in the subterranean bunker beneath his ballroom, and he plans to be interred in a specific monumental tomb he made sure is bigger than all the others.
- Democrats and Republicans are reportedly holding bipartisan, back-room negotiations on how to start forcing out all the brain-dead members badly pretending they can still do the work as their skeletal bodies are marionetted by staffers who don’t want to lose their jobs.
- Xi Jinping will reportedly uncensor American news websites for all of November so the Chinese people can watch the US government self-destruct when Trump tries to steal ballots, rig the midterm results, refuse to certify or seat Democrats, and declare martial law.
- New GOP candidates running for Congress are debating whether to join Josh Hawley’s crusade against masturbation, Tommy Tuberville’s vendetta against furries, Mike Johnson’s porn abstinence, or pick up the flag to continue Matt Gaetz’s one-man mission to vote in support of human-traffickers.
- Congress members are reportedly being given Apple Watches so Capitol security can monitor when they have strokes and heart attacks so they can get medical interventions before turning into a Mitch McConnell or John Fetterman.
- Top GOP officials are reportedly freaking out because the blue wave is getting so big that Democrats are poised to win governor races in deep red states and then will be able to appoint Democratic replacements when the 80 and 90-year-old Republican senators clinging to their jobs die of natural causes in office.
- Trump is reportedly asking staffers if they think it would work if he mailed $5,000 checks to farmers to bribe them not to vote for Democratic senators and representatives despite the GOP ruining their export markets by trade warring and tariffing China and all their other foreign buyers of their crops and livestock, and then backstabbing them by bailing out Argentine ranchers due to his weird, authoritarian bromance with Javier Milei buying Argentina’s lower quality beef for cheap and flooding the domestic market and dropping the profit margins of all the US ranchers forcing many of the last small, family ranches into bankruptcy along with the soybean and pig farmers Trump’s tariffs have also devastated.
- After Trump suggested that foreign nations would meddle in the midterms to let Democrats win so they can impeach him, a reporter asked him, “Shouldn’t you resign if foreigners successfully meddle on your watch?” to which Trump folded his arms and frowned.
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