Jared Kushner Concerned His Boyish Good Looks Will Not Help Him In Prison


With the investigation into the Trump-Russian collusion scandal heating up, Jared Kushner—nepotistic senior adviser and son-in-law to President Trump—has reportedly hired prominent DC lawyers to defend himself against allegations of treason.

The Trump Administration has denied any wrongdoing, but anonymous White House staffers have alleged that senior-level officials are beginning to look visibly worried about the unending scandal.

Most concerned is Jared Kushner, and one White House staffer has told The Halfway Post that Mr. Kushner has gained weigh in recent weeks from a newly developed habit of nervous overeating.

“Jared is a little shaken that [Special Counsel] Robert Mueller is investigating his efforts to establish a back channel link to Moscow prior to President Trump’s inauguration,” said one staffer. “And the anxiety is playing out during his meals. Jared’s caloric intake has increased by at least double.”

Another staffer claimed that the idea of going to prison terrifies Mr. Kushner.

“Let’s be honest, Jared is a good looking guy with boyish charm.” said the second staffer. “Jared has seen prison movies and is fully aware of what hardened, long-time inmates do to pretty boys like him. A few days ago Jared was washing his hands in the bathroom and he accidentally knocked over the soap dispenser, and a colleague made an off-hand remark how it was a good thing they weren’t in the showers, and Jared went home early—which literally never happens.”

Mr. Kushner has also reportedly been looking into getting a few tattoos to present a tougher physical appearance, but he has been struggling to pick out tough enough looking designs.

“At first he was looking at some barbed wire arm bands,” revealed the first staffer, “But then he changed his mind and was drawing some tribal designs on himself with a marker to experiment with various placements, but Jared has been stalling actually making an appointment at a tattoo parlor. He says he doesn’t like needles, and claims that he bleeds easily.”

Publicly, Mr. Kushner is defiant that the accusations of treason are made up, but, the more that President Trump suspiciously threatens to fire Mueller, the more it seems to the public that Kushner may be right to fear the future.

(Photo courtesy of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.)

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