In a frank conversation with God, the Creator of the universe admitted to The Halfway Post that humans aren’t, biologically speaking, anything special.
“I don’t know how humans ever came to the conclusion that they are My favorite species,” said God. “I mean, Medamn, there’s only 7 billion of you idiots. You know how many ants there are on Earth? How many amoebas? Hell, there are more germs inside one of you morons than all of humanity put together. And you know about tardigrades? Those things are the shit. Did you know tardigrades can live in the vacuum of outer space? You humans need billions of dollars in gear and technology to go out there for ten minutes. I love how you all think I made the universe specifically for you. I made the universe specifically for tardigrades!”
God lit a cigarette and took a long drag.
“You humans are always putting words in My mouth,” He said. “No offense, but I was pretty tired when I thought up Homo sapiens, and I’m not exactly proud. I totally forgot to take out the tailbone and wisdom teeth because I had been drinking that night, and I totally forgot to give you humans any cool features. I phoned it in. You all have no fangs, wings, hyper acidic digestive system, stinky scent glands, dynamic bladder system for depth control, echolocation, electroreception, jet propulsion… nothing. I’m embarrassed to take credit.”
When the Halfway Post reporter suggested God was being hard on Himself, God disagreed and said that He was just being honest.
“Pretty much all I did was rip off my chimpanzee design, shave off most of the hair, and give you all bigger portions of dicks, boobs and brains. But I think you’ll agree that it wasn’t a good mix. Males are so overly competitive and self-conscious about their penis size that self-genocide is a real problem. And all you idiots use your big brains for is species-wide anthropomorphic self-absorption. The boobs are cool, though, aren’t they? Usually for sexual ornaments I just make the males of a species real colorful, but I gave female humans such large mammary glands that it weighs them down and curves their spines. Oops. I’m not perfect, and I also don’t really care. For real, the idea that I designed the Earth specifically for humans is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. Right… I created poison ivy, quicksand, great white sharks, gonorrhea, Australia, earthquakes, hornets, hurricanes, sinkholes, annual influenzas, and asteroids because Earth is just a wonderful little crib of soft pillows and hugs and love for humanity. Give me a break.”
Thanks for another lively interview, God.
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(Photo courtesy of Ted Van Pelt.)