The Halfway Post caught up with God over the weekend, and our Omnipotent Deity explained that conservatives in America have gotten very close to the requisite number of prayers needed to convince Him to put a stop to the troubling trend of mass shootings in schools.
“Let me tell you, these prayers I’ve been getting have really warmed my heart,” explained God. “The quality is great… I’m just concerned about the quantity. You know, it’s not like I enjoy convincing troubled boys to kill a bunch of elementary schoolers, it’s just that I feel taken for granted. I mean, you’d understand if you were omniscient, but all these conservatives in America say they believe in Me, and claim they live their lives according to My values, but their actions just don’t match up to their words. They always talk about how they’re going to pray for this problem and that problem, but they never do! They’re frauds! All these conservative men go to bed and watch more hardcore, homoerotic pornography than they spend praying! The women pray a little, but they only ever pray for themselves! I’m not kidding when I say that last year I did not get a single prayer from a conservative to fix America’s inner cities. Racist much? They go around saying prayer will solve everything–and it totally can–but they don’t actually pray! I haven’t gotten a single prayer to stop these Trump concentration camps for migrants. That’s some real, nazi shit, and it doesn’t appear to bother conservative Christians an ounce! Not one prayer! I’d literally stop the entire migrant crisis if just one white conservative prayed one time to help brown people! These conservatives are all on the road to Hell, let me tell you!”
Our Halfway Post reporter asked if there was any other method available to stop America’s mass shootings.
“They could vote for Democrats!” shouted God into the phone. “Conservatives are always talking about how I operate in mysterious ways, but I don’t! I literally gave America the Democratic Party’s platform of sensible gun reform! It’s not mysterious at all! I want gun reform, and if conservatives don’t want to pray to end shootings, they could vote for liberals to pass the legislation that would stop crazy, undeserving people from getting guns. That way I wouldn’t have to do anything. America could solve its own problem for once! Just vote Democratic! Elementary schoolers will stop being shot up if America votes for a Democratic Congress and president in 2020, I promise!”
Thanks for the call, God.