Walk-Hating Donald Trump Drives Golf Cart Through White House Hallways Now


Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump is no fan of physical exercise, having stated during the campaign that waving his arms during speeches is just about the only exercise he thinks he needs, and he is not a fan of simple, self-propelled bipedal mobility either.

To save himself the physical trouble of having to walk his own body throughout the hallways of the White House, Mr. Trump has reportedly had several golf carts brought inside in order to more easily transport himself between White House rooms and offices.

White House custodial staff are not impressed with the golf cart’s wear and tear on the carpets, and have expressed frustration with Mr. Trump’s driving abilities.

“The hallways were designed and built 200 years ago, and, to be frank, a golf cart has no business being in here,” said White House custodian Rob Warner who works the day-shift. “And, to make matters worse, the President is not a careful driver. The walls all have scuff marks and dents, every hallway corner has been beat up, the exhaust is darkening the walls a few shades… I don’t want to think about the cost of these damages.”

The worst drivers, however, are reportedly Mr. Trump’s children.

“It’s always a catastrophe when Donald Jr. and Eric come to visit,” said Deacon Packman, the graveyard-shit custodian. “They race each other down the main hallways and are always breaking antique furniture pieces that are often priceless gifts from other nations. The President just laughs it off and then writes the White House staff a check for any damages, but the checks always bounce. And it’s not like you can put a price on these historical antiques anyway.”

According to the White House staff, Ivanka Trump—Mr. Trump’s daughter, who for some reason has a nepotistic White House job—has tried to convince her father to give up the golf carts, but Mr. Trump refuses.

“He thinks it makes him smart by saving his energy,” said Mr. Packman. “The knowledge that President Obama never thought to use golf carts inside the White House gives him great satisfaction. He thinks it’s proof that he’s a more intelligent person than Obama.”

Mr. Trump has also reportedly used the golf cart to physically threaten staff members who disappoint him.

“Former Press Secretary Sean Spicer had it the worst,” said Mr. Warner. “The President never allowed Sean to ride in the golf cart, even when they were going to the same West Wing meeting. He would insist that Sean walk behind. When Sean resigned, the President said he was taking too long to leave, and literally chased him out of the White House with the golf cart. Sean had to sprint to avoid being run over, and, unfortunately, he tripped and dropped his box of personal belongings, which the President then proceeded to go forward and reverse over and over to smash all of Sean’s stuff under the tires. It was just one of many humiliations for Sean.”

Mr. Trump has also reportedly requested that Congress install two golf carts designated only for him—one for the House and one for the Senate—but both Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell have ignored the request.

(Photo courtesy of angela n.)

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