Ben Carson Asks If It’s Cool If He Returns His $31,000 Dining Set And Picks Out A Different One

Washington D.C.—

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson has been no stranger to controversy in his tenure with mounting ethics issues regarding furniture choices, but this time he’s just asking for scandal.

After earning negative press coverage from spending $31,000 of taxpayer money on an expensive dining set, Mr. Carson has apparently tired of that dining set and wants a different one.

“Well, I was looking at my dining set one day several months ago,” explained Mr. Carson in a brief comment today to D.C. journalists in his office building’s cafeteria, “And it hit me that the mahogany really didn’t match the old, 80s carpet as much as I thought it would. You see, the carpet is like a light gray, and I thought it would match the almost orange, reddish-brown of the mahogany, but I was very much mistaken, and that little detail just stayed in my head and has hammered away at my brain and really got in the way of all my thinking and decision-making for the last year. Well—it’s not that I’ve done nothing, I’ve tried some things. Sean Hannity needed some some sweetheart HUD real estate deals… and I tried to raise the rent on poor people 300%, but that got shut down. I just couldn’t focus on signing the paperwork. All I needed was to sign one document and I just couldn’t do it—for months—cause the dining set has simply ruined me to the point where I just sit at my desk in regret and squeeze this stress ball I have that’s in the shape of a human heart while I homeostatically seethe and boil inside with fury that I picked such a bright hued dining set—I just, I just can’t. Look, I gotta return the dining set and pick out a different one that matches better. I have to. I was supposed to evict like wayyy more people by now, and it’s because this mahogany dining set is just ruining me! Ruining me! It’s gotta go. It’s me or the desk!”

The journalists shrugged, agreed that, of all the Trump Administration’s government misfits, Ben Carson was pretty low-hanging fruit, and left.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)