Neo-Nazis Chain Themselves To Confederate Statues Like Tree Huggers They’ve Always Mocked


Portland, OR—

A group of neo-Nazis have chained themselves to a Confederate statue slated for removal in Portland last night, even though the same group regularly mocks a local conservationist group that chains themselves to trees.

“Is it hypocritical?” asked the neo-Nazi group’s head organizer, Larry Wolmen, rhetorically. “Maybe. But it’s a good tactic. We saved the Confederate statue for most of a night, we got out our Confederate-era swastika flags to wave around, and we were just doing our part to preserve white heritage in this city of ours. We held each others’ hands and formed a ring around the statue—after confirming ‘no homo’ of course—and we passed the time telling each other funny things Trump has said and done that has pissed off liberals. I love pissing off liberals.”

The neo-Nazis quickly ran out of chewing tobacco and all retreated to a nearby gas station to resupply, but when they came back the statue had been removed.

“Was it successful?” Wolmen asked rhetorically again. “No. But would we do it again? You betcha. I honestly don’t even know who the guy is depicted on the statue, but all I know is that if it annoys liberals then I’m all for it. Next time we protest and chain ourselves to a statue we know to bring an extra day or two’s worth of chew.”

Dominic Cassio, the president of Portland’s conservationists club, pointed out the irony of the neo-Nazis’ efforts.

“These guys haven’t ever read a history book. They had Confederate swastika flags and think it’s historically accurate. They have no idea what General Beauregard did. They just heard that the city council was removing the statue, and they took the opportunity to out themselves as white supremacists in public. Honestly, I’m all for these white supremacists outing themselves. I heard two of them this morning got fired from their jobs for participating. How awesome that these white supremacists are actually being discriminated against for the first time in their lives? They’ve been talking bullshit all this time about how white people have it so hard. Ha! Well now karma is catching up with their ludicrous persecution complexes and actually giving them a reason to feel abused by society. Tough titties, you nazis! Can you publish ‘tough titties’?”

Yes we can.

(Picture courtesy of Ryan Patterson.)

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