With Bannon and Gorka Gone, John Kelly Looking To Persuade President Trump to Fire Donald Trump Next


Washington D.C.—

General John Kelly, who recently took on the role as President Donald Trump’s chief-of-staff, has quickly influenced a staff shakeup in the Trump Administration.

Kelly’s hiring as a no-nonsense boss convinced Mr. Trump’s nonsense-loving, nazi-sympathetic executive adviser, Steve Bannon, that it was time to go back to his old stomping grounds at Breitbart News in order to continue the fight of ruining the Republican Party and targeting individual Republican Congresspeople personally and individually for their various anti-Trump actions and principles.

Following Bannon’s departure, General Kelly reportedly waited until Bannon’s Nazi second-in-command, Sebastian Gorka, was on vacation to end Gorka’s security clearance. This effectively forced Gorka out of the administration, and now, suddenly, Mr. Trump’s presidency has gotten way less Nazi-y.

Mr. Kelly’s next move, reportedly, is to persuade President Trump to fire none other than President Trump himself.

“Everyone is aware that no one is doing more to hurt Trump’s presidency than Donald Trump,” said a White House staffer who requested anonymity to discuss high-level strategic deliberations. “Kelly has been moving fast to right the ship, so to speak, and I think Kelly is arguing a good case that Trump is simply getting in his own way by being so bad at the role of chief executive. Trump is really open to any ideas that would help make his presidency more effective, and, more importantly to Trump, he wants his presidency to be memorable. Kelly has made several good points that Trump would be much more effective as president by not being president, and that he would be the very first president to give up being president because it was hard and required a lot of reading.”

Other White House staffers explained to The Halfway Post that Trump is aware that his mental capacity for the job’s requirements needs more improvement than Trump is personally capable of. Kelly has been trying to convey the idea that Trump would be much happier going back to the Trump Organization.

“Trump’s reading and comprehension level is quite seriously lower than any other president in history, save for President James Monroe,” said the second staffer. “But the majority of that guy’s life was spent in the 1700s. He dropped out of school—and the school year was only 11 weeks back then—to work on the family farm, whereas Trump is somehow a college graduate. One of Trump’s biggest insecurities is that his presidential briefings are all dumbed down and translated into a second grade reading level. There’s a standing ban on all words more than 3 syllables, which makes his briefers have to get creative. I mean, the name Afghanistan comes up a lot in these briefings, but it has to be written as ‘sandy place.’”

The Halfway Post wishes General Kelly a speedy persuasion of Mr. Trump to quit.

(Photo courtesy of Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.)

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