St. Louis, MO—
The Halfway Post caught up with a local group of neo-Nazis yesterday in a Skype conversation, and they claim sunburns are the sign of God’s chosen people.
Their group was small, numbering only seventeen members, and their roster showed low attendance for most members, but the group still exists, lingering but not dying. Sometimes they go fishing together, and the club has in recent months become a bit more social than political, but the Nazi-esque rhetoric remains on their official banner and in their conversations.
“White American people are the top of the global human pyramid,” said Jim Van Dijk, Gold Eagle of the club, which is the club’s highest rank. “The Nazis were on to something. White people don’t need brown crayons coming in to the box of white crayons and melting the colors together, you feel me? Immigrants will end America as a nation of freedom, and from now on Trump’s making it ‘Americans only,’ like—the white ones. And if white people were meant to mix genetically with brown people, why would we burn so bad when we’re out in the sun for too long? Our skin is designed to resist brown coloring. We’re allergic to the sun giving us foreign ethnicities. Suffering through sunburns is like prayer to God because we’re his favorites, and the burned skin serves as penance so we can pay for our sins as we go and then we white people get to go immediately into Heaven. It’s great.”
The Halfway Post reporter reminded Van Dijk that he was obviously descended from the Dutch, and a descendant of immigrants himself who came to the melting pot country for opportunity, just like every other immigrant (except the enslaved), no matter what color of skin.
“But my ancestors don’t count as bad immigrants, because they came before the cutoff point,” Van Dijk explained. “Immigration was cool until about the 1930s. Everyone counts who came over before then. Except the Asians who built the railroads. And the Jews. And everyone who came from anywhere south of Texas. Was anyone else coming in then? Were Muslims immigrating in the 30s? Well, either way, it’s only Americans from now on, only white people from Europe. Well, maybe not the Polish. Or the Italians. I guess the Irish can count as American. Germans for sure. The English, obviously. Swedes. Anyone above Germany is chill. Like, the white people is what I’m talking about, like, any northern white people who could see the Northern Lights. And got sunburns… Protestant for sure. Yeah, Catholics are out. Eastern Orthodox are cool, too. Actually, I don’t know much about Eastern Orthodox. Greeks are cool though. Yeah, Greeks can come in—they kind of started the whole Western World thing. I don’t mind Russians at the moment, though my instinct is to cut them off because they’re slavic. But Putin is kind of American, isn’t he? Takes what he wants, grabs the world by the balls—eh, but the slavic thing. What are slavics about? I guess Russians are on probation. But yeah, Northern Protestant white people—well, Russians are like orthodox, but weird—but they’re not very religious, but—whatever, they’re out. Long story short, everyone who should be allowed to stay in America are Northern European Protestant white people planted into superior American soil roughly a century ago and turned into aryan gods on Earth. Tippy top of the pyramid. Like, I can’t described what the race of America should be, but I can always tell who is not American by looking at them, know what I mean?”
Asked what backed up any of this, Mr. Van Dijk claimed the Bible did.
“The Bible is totally clear that white people are the chosen people. Like they were Middle Eastern people in deserts and stuff, so, like Moses, Jesus, Paul and everyone may have historically and physically been brown people, but it was implied that they were referencing the future United States of America. And the metaphors are really obvious about Jesus meaning white America. Like, if America wasn’t the chosen country, why would we have won every war we’ve ever been in? And White America defeated White Germany, and of course then White Russia in the Cold War, so White America is the gold star on top of the racial pyramid.”
Our Halfway Post reporter stared at Mr. Van Dijk on the screen and awkwardly hung up the Skype call.