The fundamentalist Islamic Caliphate known as ISIS today announced plans to retire at the end of the week, citing their successful outsourcing of terror to US President Donald Johnny Trump.
“Our work provoking America’s foreign policy into hubristic overreach in the Middle East is not finished, not by a long shot,” said an ISIS spokesperson. “But Trump is a much better agent more able to destroy America from within than any Middle Eastern person we’ve tried to send.”
ISIS fighters will give up their arms and return to their rural family farms and urban shops. Rather than fight the holy war in protest of American occupation of Muslim lands themselves, ISIS has elected to merely sit back and watch President Trump destroy America culturally and politically.
“He’s so inspiring,” said an ISIS fighter The Halfway Post interviewed, who requested anonymity so as to not offend his commanders by talking to a Western media company. “I have a poster of him I printed out from online on the cave wall. I like to imagine myself as president so I can think up ways to dismantle America’s prosperous and democratic society like Trump is doing. Getting rid of healthcare is so great. America is going to have worse health insurance than the Islamic State. See what I mean? Trump is a radical Muslim hero.”
Other ISIS fighters shared his optimism about the Islamic State’s future.
“Trump is such a breath of fresh air,” said a fighter from Hawija. “The 15 years of constant war in Iraq has made us all so exhausted, so frankly we’ve run out of ideas at bringing down the American global hegemony. Trump was elected just in time. Russia, Republicans, racists—whoever we have to thank, thank you very much! And Mr. Pence is a delightful touch. Boy, that guy is so zealous as a foil for us that if he had been born in Eastern Syria he’d probably be the Caliph right now. We can’t wait until Trump resigns and that guy finishes the term!”
The ISIS fighter chuckled.