Alabama Evangelicals Praying That Roy Moore Isn’t Revealed As Having Had Sex With Farm Animals


Mobile, AL—

Roy Moore is the Republican senatorial nominee running to replace Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ vacant seat, and his allegedly racist campaign is now suffering from allegations that Mr. Moore is a pedophile who pursued relationships with teenage girls.

The election is merely a month away, and polls have seen Moore struggle to lead over his Democratic challenger Doug Jones. Moore is also now refusing to debate Jones, a move that Jones referred to as an “embarrassment.”

The campaign meltdown is worrying Moore’s supporters, who look up to Moore as an evangelical hero for his efforts as the Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court because he based his decisions on his fundamentalist Biblical interpretation. He got fired twice, the first time for not removing a Ten Commandments statue in the courthouse’s front lawn, and the second time for not issuing marriage licenses to gay couples.

However, the recent reports of a sexual predator past might doom Moore’s campaign, and Alabama could very well elect a Democratic senator. At this point, Moore’s supporters just hope that the pedophilia is rock bottom, and that the evangelical role model they cherished for years doesn’t turn out to be an even sicker, less Christian man.

“First thing I do every morning when I wake up is pray to God and Jesus in Heaven that Roy Moore is not being accused of something else gross,” explained Moore supporter Kayleigh Crawford, a resident of Mobile. “I can still vote for him with the Lolita scandal I suppose, after all I voted for Trump last year—so what’s one more sex offender in government? At least he won’t raise my taxes. He may claim women’s healthcare is sin, but he’s not a Democrat trying to spend all my money solving society’s problems and stuff. You know, I got my own problems: I don’t have good healthcare. And Democrats like Doug Jones tell me I have white privilege. Well, that white privilege isn’t giving me a wage boost. I only make minimum wage, and these immigrants are keeping my employer from giving me a raise even though the company is doing great business and I just reached my third year with them. So I can stick with Roy still. He’s a good, conservative man. And is it so weird that when he was 32 he was kissing a 14 year old? The Bible’s full of stories of behavior we’d call pedophilia now, but to them it was just holy love. But, like I said, I’m still hoping Roy’s not going to give us any others surprises until the election. Like, if it’s going to come out that Roy has been banging farm animals for years or something, I hope it at least doesn’t come out until after November. Whatever creepy criminal behavior he’s committed should just stay unknown until after he’s safely elected into Congress. We need a Republican man of God in the Senate. Even if he doesn’t act like a man of God all the time, at least he’ll be in the Senate yelling at those other heathen senators that they have to start legislating according to the Book of Revelations, because I tell you the end times are here and Mr. B. Hussein Obama was the trumpet call to the devil to start his war against good American rural patriots. Roy Moore must be in the Senate to initiate a crusade against the enemies of Christ, to rise up and lead the Israelis in a crusade against Mecca once and for all and—”

[Editor’s Note: Apologies to Kayleigh Crawford, who got upset when our Halfway Post reporter accidentally let out an audible “What the fuck?” at this point in her monologue. Ms. Crawford ended the interview early.]

(Picture courtesy of Anne Marie Peterson. Sorry for defiling your picture, Anne.)

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