The Koch Brothers Acknowledge They Should Have Just Run For Congress Themselves

Omaha, NE—

With several Republican failures to repeal Obamacare behind them, the GOP Congressional majorities are aware of the pressure on them to finally pass something big. Their current legislative effort is tax reform.

However, both the House and the Senate are working on separate tax reform bills with substantial contrasts. It remains to be seen which bill will be adopted because the House plan is more generous to wealthy taxpayers, while the Senate bill promotes greater budgetary sensibility. Both sides appear to be working as if the opposite chamber will give up first.

Closely watching the Congressional process, bigtime GOP donors the Koch Brothers have reported frustration that the GOP is suffering from crippling dysfunction despite their legislative opportunity with majorities in both chambers.

“The Republicans have screwed up everything, those idiots!” said Charles Koch in a phone conversation with The Halfway Post. “You know, this whole laissez-faire tax policy mission would have been much simpler if my brother and I had just run for Congress ourselves. I mean no personal disrespect to Republican lawmakers—just professional disrespect—but their fumbling despite a full Republican government makes me wonder if they’re all stupid. Well I suppose my brother and I are partly responsible. We have basically bribed the GOP to vote how we want for the last decade or so in which their only political tool against a Democratic president was to stall and obstruct the whole legislative process as much as possible, so maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on my little Republican minions for having lost the ability to think for themselves and create new, acceptable legislation now that they’re in the majority. You know what, I’ll just write the whole tax reform bill myself and give it to Mitch and Ryan and tell them that I will give every Republican $15 million who votes for it, senators and representatives alike. I’ll just have my superPAC literally enslave the whole Republican Party. For real, I’ve had enough of this democratic republic checks and balances nonsense. Papa Charlie Koch wants his muthaf***ing tax breaks muthaf***ers!”

(Picture courtesy of DonkeyHotey.)