Residents In Washington D.C. Spent $6 Million On Mace Spray, Anticipating A Roy Moore Win

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Washington D.C.—

According to the D.C. Chamber of Commerce, Washingtonians spent an estimated $6 million on mace spray in anticipation of Roy Moore winning the Alabama special election to replace Jeff Sessions’ seat in the Senate.

“Every Walmart in a 25-mile radius from the Capitol Building has been wiped clean of all mace-related products,” explained Matt Adams, regional supervisor of all Walmart stores in the Chesapeake area. “We’ve done a lot of unexpected business in taser sales, pocket knife sales, rape whistle sales, and even machete sales. It appears that the people of the greater D.C. metro area were very worried about having a[n alleged] child molester in their own backyard. In fact, since election night when Doug Jones proved the winner of the election, about one-fifth of the self-defense items have been returned for store credit. It appears the many people here in D.C. are relieved that Roy Moore will not be moving here.”

In a “thank you” to the people of Alabama, who cared enough about the dignity and legacy of our nation’s Congress to keep disgraced ex-judge Roy Moore out of it, another approximate one-fifth of the mace and other self-defense products were gifted to Alabamians and transported throughout the state to teenaged girls by the Red Cross.

“If Roy Moore is not coming to D.C., then it’s obvious that some teenaged girl in Alabama needs my pepper spray and brass knuckles more than I do,” said Philip Richards, a Georgetown resident, who donated his weapons this morning.

However, some Alabamians are disappointed that Moore lost.

“To be totally honest, I voted for Roy Moore,” explained Lindsey Watterston, a Birmingham resident. “It was 100% selfish, but I don’t regret it at all. I don’t want Roy Moore in my state. If electing him to the Senate was the only way to keep that fundamentalist, gay-hating, slave-advocating, pistol-toting, 19th Century charlatan out of Alabama, well then, sorry D.C., but I don’t like being put in the position where I have to strap my machete to my back every time I want to go shopping at a mall just to make sure that that fired judge stays away from my daughters. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have to take that thing on and off every time you want to try on clothes, or have to go to the bathroom? However, I would like to take a moment to thank Paul Kampe of Arlington, Virginia, for gifting me the machete. It was a very nice thought, Paul, and my girls thank you for thinking of them and their safety.”

(Photo courtesy of the US Department of Agriculture.)

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