New York, NY—
Serial adulterer Donald Trump Jr. recently got divorced by his wife for taking after his father’s regrettable sexual behavior, but the newly eligible bachelor has reportedly been having trouble meeting women.
According to friends close to Mr. Trump Jr., he signed up on Tinder a few weeks ago but has yet to have been right-swiped even one time.
“I feel bad for the guy,” explained a friend who requested anonymity to discuss Don Jr.’s private life. “Don’t get me wrong, everyone liked his wife wayyy more than him, but I find myself having sympathy for the guy when he checks his Tinder every ten minutes and never finds a message. Honestly, I’m surprised that there apparently aren’t even any gold diggers who want to go out with the guy. Maybe it’s his 80s haircut he insists isn’t creepy, maybe it’s his dad’s habit of f***cking over America every chance he gets, maybe it’s the fact that he’s a cheater, maybe it’s the fact that the guy is certainly going to be in prison in a few months for betraying his country so that his family can profit off of Russian corruption, or maybe it’s the fact that every photo he’s ever taken looks like he crapped his pants five minutes before and he’s wondering if other people can smell it, but this guy is like kryptonite for women.”
The Halfway Post reached out to the Tinder communications team, and though the dating app’s media representatives would not disclose how many women exactly had swiped left, they did acknowledge that Mr. Trump Jr. had indeed set the record for most left swipes in a minute, an hour, a day, and a week—a record he beat last week and is on pace to break again this week.