Ted Cruz To Texans: “I didn’t Defend My Dad Or Wife From Trump, But, Uh, I Promise I’ll Defend You”


Houston, TX—

Senator Ted Cruz stopped in Houston this weekend for a town hall meeting with his constituents, and things got awkward when he repeatedly put his foot in his mouth.

“I promise I will do everything I can to protect Texans from big government overreach,” Cruz began to explain before getting quickly cut off by disapproving constituents.

“Oh, yeah?” interjected local Houstonian Paul Geller, who told The Halfway Post afterwards he considered himself a #NeverTrumper. “You’re gonna defend us like you defended your dad when Trump claimed he participated in the JFK assassination? Or you’re gonna defend us like you defended your wife when Trump called her ugly? Or you’re gonna defend us like the public government, which you personally shut down for private political gain? Or you’re gonna defend us like you defended your staff when you liked a porn video on Twitter and you blamed it on a staffer? Or you’re gonna defend us like you defended the hurricane victims on the East Coast when Sandy caused billions of dollars in damage and you refused to vote for relief funds? Or you’re gonna defend us like you defend the nation and its environment and climate from pollution and destructive exploitation? You’re gonna defend us like you defended all of those?”

“Uh, I promise I’ll defend Texas,” Mr. Cruz stammered. “And remember, even though Beto O’Rourke is young and idealistic and running for the people and not himself, you should still vote for me. If you don’t reelect me to the Senate, it will be way harder for me to keep running for president. It’s funny, people always say I’m like the modern reincarnation of Joseph McCarthy, and isn’t that the kind of leader you want representing Texas? I’m like a lovable blend of social paranoia, cultural puritanism, and political opportunism with the added bonus of telling lots of painful dad jokes! And even though I am the son of a hispanic immigrant, I don’t like hispanic immigrants and don’t want any more to come here now that I’m personally, safely established as a citizen, so I’m one of the good immigrants that Republicans shouldn’t feel like cucks voting for!”

Cruz then got booed by everyone in the country not blood-related to him.

(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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