MO Gov Eric Greitens Really Hopes A Sexual Assault Conviction Won’t Hurt His Presidential Dreams



Jefferson City, MO—

Governor Eric Greitens of the fine state of Missouri has gotten himself into a heap of trouble after allegedly (but probably) sexually assaulting a hairstylist, taking naked photos of her with the intent to blackmail her, and lying about it all, but if convicted he hopes that the sex crime will not impede his ambition to run for and be elected President of the United States.

Mr. Greitens up until this scandal broke was considered a likely future presidential candidate, and had compiled an impressive resumé including years spent as a Navy SEAL, the founding of a veterans’ charity, and, of course, now his current job as governor of the Show-Me State.

“Eric is just totally crushed about this whole mess,” explained a friend of the Governor, who requested anonymity to discuss candidly his private conversations with Greitens. “Not about the sex crimes, but that now he might not ever get to be President. He called several of us college-era friends asking us for advice, and, to be honest, I told him don’t worry about it. Look at Donald Trump. Trump has done way worse stuff, and has so far suffered absolutely no consequences for what is quite likely decades of sexual misbehavior. I told Eric he had only one woman accusing him of sexual violence, and, judging by Donald Trump’s rampant weaseling, I reckon Eric could get away with accusations from at least another half-dozen women before actually paying for it.”

Greitens is also currently facing ethics controversies regarding use of a messaging app for state business that deletes messages and makes public record-keeping impossible, as well as potential felony charges of illegally using his charity’s contact list to raise money for his gubernatorial race without disclosing it as a donation to his campaign.

Missouri’s Republican Attorney General Josh Hawley has acknowledged Greitens’ wrongdoing, and opened up an investigation. Republican leaders throughout the state Congress have called on Greitens to resign, but so far the Governor has refused, taking a page out of Donald Trump’s scandal deflection book and calling the pursuit of his crimes a “witch hunt.”

The guy is kind of a douche.


(Picture courtesy of US Coast Guard Academy.)

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