Washington DC—
Vice President Mike Pence has reportedly been feeling depressed in recent weeks because Congressional Republicans are so adamant that President Donald Trump no be removed from office, which would promote him to the Presidency.
“Mike’s real worked up about this,” explained a VP aide who requested anonymity to reveal that Mr. Pence wanted Trump impeached. “He doesn’t understand why Republicans don’t want to get Trump and his ceaseless scandals out of the way in favor of more stable, and therefore effective, Republican governance. Trump ruins everything he’s touched. If Mike were President, Republicans certainly would have repealed Obamacare by now, and passed an infrastructure plan, and of course Mike never would have committed so many bribery scams, emoluments clause violations, and other crimes both petty and serious.”
Mr. Pence has done a lot of soul searching recently, and has contemplated several life changes that would make Congressional Republicans like him more in order to convince them to vote against Trump during the impeachment trial in the Senate.
The VP aide provided The Halfway Post with a photocopy of a page out of Pence’s diary that he discovered listing a number of ideas to act more like President Trump to better appeal to Trump-supporting Republicans:
- Pay a porn star to hold my hand and not list the nondisclosure payments on my taxes
- Sell a crucifix necklace to Russian oligarchs for triple its value
- Write a book about prayer entitled “The Art of the Kneel”
- Oranger skin
- Dye my hair
- Run a fake Bible Sunday School
- Buy a church and put “Pence” at the top of it
- Call more people names on Twitter, like “sinner,” “jezebel,” and “heathen”
- Start calling my daughters “hot pieces of ass I’d totally smash if they weren’t my daughters” in radio interviews
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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)
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