Trump Has A New SuperPAC Funded In Russian Rubles Called “Not Putin’s Money”

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump’s reelection campaign just got a major boost from a brand new superPAC launched this week called “Not Putin’s Money,” but financial disclosures show that the financing suspiciously comes almost exclusively from Russia.

The superPAC raised $20 million in its first day in operation, and has released a public statement vowing to help Trump get elected in order to finally resolve the foreign policy controversy that plagued the Trump campaign throughout 2015 and 2016: Russian adoptions.

Donald Trump Jr. responded to The Halfway Post‘s inquiries about the superPAC’s coordination with the Trump campaign.

“See? Now America can finally understand I was telling the truth about the Mueller investigation all along!” Donald Jr. said. “My meeting with those Russian oligarch-connected lawyers in Trump Tower really WAS about Russian adoptions. The Russians weren’t interested in colluding with my dad’s campaign about pro-Russian policies and ending Obama’s sanctions, the Russians just wanted to undo their own sanctions against Americans adopting abandoned Russian kids. They could have just undid their own sanctions by themselves, but they came to me because they realized I was such a brilliant business man, and they desperately wanted my advice on what to do about their internal Russian bureaucratic decisions. They told me that my Trump brain genetics were the only thing that could solve their conundrum. Then they handed me a big briefcase to give my dad that seemed like it was filled with money because hundred dollar bills were literally seeping out the sides. It definitely wasn’t collusion, though! It was probably just some payment for an awesome deal my dad negotiated with them. I don’t know exactly what deal it was because it wasn’t listed in the Trump Organization record books, but my dad is so smart that he does this thing where he asks to get paid in cash so there’s no paper trail of receipts. You guys can write this tip down, because it’s a great way to save money at tax season. I caught on to that very early at a young age because of my big Trump brain, but I’ve actually been very surprised at how few businesses do the getting-paid-in-unrecorded-cash-payments trick. Well, I guess not everyone can be as good at business as the Trump family! Oh, and, meanwhile, this new superPAC has absolutely nothing—I promise, nothing!—to do with impeachment, my dad’s dropping poll numbers, or the dozen of other criminal investigations into literally everything my family has ever touched… the Russians just want to invest this money into pro-Trump media advertisement campaigns in order for my dad to finally be able to resolve this Russian adoption issue. I promise that a second round of collusion is the furthest thing from Putin and my dad’s minds!”

Asked if he had any proof that the Russian superPAC isn’t just another money laundering front to collude with Putin again, Donald Jr. was adamant that everything is legal, and totally not suspicious.

“It’s called ‘Not Putin’s Money,’ what more proof do you want?”

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